one month and 20 days

Month before this, I left home, with adventurous mood, thinking that I won't miss home this much.

Walking on the way to university with earphone plug in, the music seem to bring up all my emotion, every words are describing my exact feeling now. Before coming here, I always imagine myself sitting at the study table oversea somewhere in UK, looking out the breathtaking scenery and doing my art works. Nothing seem to be as good as hometown now. Although I living in my dream, the characters are not the same anymore. 

The weather out there will not shot to 20 degree, strong wind that will nearly blow people away hit on me, rain drop on my coat horizontally, lip start to crack,wearing a heat tech and extra clothes, mucus flowing uncontrollably, coughing unstoppable, eating the same food over and over again because those are the only menu that I know and hands need to be defrosted everyday when I step in my room. Nostalgia, I missed the little thing back home. Everything that were super normal to do in home is so unusual here. Craving for the food I will never think of eating back then. Kept on telling myself that, hold on, you will have all of them next summer, which is 8 months later. 

8am is 12am, 12pm is 8pm. One month past, Skype with parents almost everyday from the start and later on twice a week.  There's so many things I couldn't make them in word and express to family via the screen but I knew they can feel it. Tears rolling in my eyes but I force to hold it. Remember one day when no longer can hold it and it flows down across my cheeks. I don't know how my parent can see that even through the computer screen. " Been wronged?" I can't pronounce my feeling in words, hanging off the call is the only thing I did on that time. Nothing, I just miss home and family too much.

Now, I am living in my dream, doing what I like daily. Drawing pencils, artline pens, colour, measuring tape... have become major part of my life now. From the anxiousness in the first presentation until now I can stand up and present my works without hesitation and nervousness. I knew I am on the right track. Trying hard to maintain myself on the top, because I want to prove that what I choose is right and I will shine on it. Receiving good words from peers and lecturers again proving my ability. I am not arrogant, I am worried that I do good in the first step and then ruin the step after. Uttering to myself that I am not good enough so that I can keep on the performance. 

To those who also fighting alone half earth over home, kept on the action, because there're so many people back home waiting you to go back with victory. They have consistently giving the supports and what we need to do is live this life nicely as a return. Good luck peers!  

_szeyeeM

Begun

Standing on the starting point waiting for the judge to commence the start, I can't do anything but wait and pray. I hope I can do a perfect sprint or an excellent 1200 m run. In return, I made my parent proud.

Drawing on a piece of A5 paper, waiting for the moment of the last painting part and have a look with what I want to convey through the art. I hope my voice can transfer well via my art piece, wishing that people will understand and appreciate.

Sitting in the exam unit, I start my first scribble and writing. I utter a silent prayer every time before the exam, hoping that God can read my mind and made my hard work returned. Until now, I am grateful to what I have achieve because this is His meant. I am blessed for every single achievement in my life, and the countless supports from my family and friends.

Soon, I will be heading to the international airport, begin my very first "trip" to oversea without my parent for three years. Despite calling it a study trip, I hope it's a memorable life lesson. Maybe I might be missing home and family for the first few months, I guess I can deal with it well. Because I start to love the life just by the university application phase. To my friends who I never mention when I am going to leave, I give my apologise. I didn't hope that airport flood with tears during the day but I will keep all yours laughters in my mind when the moment I miss you guys. To my family who worry about me so much, after three years of degree, I will prove that I have grow up. You maybe worry for the first few days, but please just stop there. I will be extremely good.

"Tell me when you can't continue. You can come back anytime, we won't blame on you."

This tug my heartstrings. I knew that my parents are super worry about their baby girl who going to leave in a few days time. I knew that they don't want me to leave so soon. Everything strikes in a sudden, they are not mentally prepared. But even a cub will leave their parents when growing up, why not us human? The difference between these two was that human has a sense of missing but animals do not have. Maybe they have but we don't know. This time, I am sailing on a ship that may be travelling to a place far away from home, half an earth maybe? But I will come back one day, at the moment, I am an architect.

Three days to the day I will leave this lovely country. You may be missed, till the day I come back.

_szeyeeM

Full stop

 It's an end. Real end of the 1.5 years college's life.

Still remember how we meet up and form a class during the first day? I would say 1401 group 2 is the best thing I have met in my 1.5 years of college time. There's no egoless and jealousy among us. There's competition, but is a mutualism. Thanks to the presence of 24 of you in this class, maybe we won't be met around after this, but I genuinely grateful for anything that happened. The countless night that we spent in the learning hub struggling for our semester exam, the hundreds of zapfan (economic rice) that we have, the couple of hang out  to Sunway that we have after some important exam...... All this have truly carved in my mind, nothing else can replace my 18 years old memories beside this. 

"Two line will intercept, sparking, and separate again but the spark is there to prove the memory."   

11 August 2015 

A life change event happened. I told myself, it's a judgement day, a day of future judgement. "Life changed, miracles happened." Miracles do happened, I never thought I can score such a result in my A level. Unlike revealing of AS result, we are together to witness our hard work. This time, we hide in each of our room and click into the website by 1pm. Yes, we made it to our respective dream. Crying and screaming for our result, and future decision have to make. Without hesitation, JPA students have their chance to continue study at UK without any financial problem. I have my own worries. After all the emotional hours, i made my mind to study at Australia. Although it is definitely no the thing I want, thinking for the whole, I need to do this. Parents will never know how hard I fight for a place in the prestigious university that I longing for a long time, don't how many liter of tears have cried off to give up my dream. 

"Something is meant to be a dream to leave it a wonderland." 

Perhaps now I will regret of my choice, or I might not give up so easily for something that I hold on for such a long time. Reality strike in unnoticeable, I can't accept but I need to. 

Exactly one week after the result day,  I have thought a lot. I knew how cruel life is. It will not be as round as a circle, it will not be go with the flow all the time, it will be some friction along the way, but as long as I kept the faith, things may turn up great. I am blessed for what I have obtain. But the kiasu-ness inside every Asian's mindset bring all my happiness down once. They will compare A with A* although A is good enough. 90 marks to 99 marks although both are A*. What is the point to live under the unstoppable comparison?  I tapped myself on the shoulder and utter, " you have tried your best, how bad or how good people want to judge you is not include in your life. If they like to judge, let them be the judger. You live your own life." 

Dream is not necessarily to be real. If it took a great return, then it's time to think about reality and give up some of it. It's will not only come in a way, lower down the eye sight and you will see something different.

_szeyeeM

Aid

I'm not narcissism or saying something exaggerate. I can say that I am a kind-hearted person. Looking at the old lady beside the road walking aimlessly, I will jump down from the car and land a hand to her if condition allowed. Looking at an aged uncle eating at mamak stall alone without accompaniment of children, deep of my heart I wish to sit beside him and have a chat with him. I knew that how helpless they will be when they are strolling at the roadside or sitting alone hoping that their child will be beside them. 

Not regretting to be a first aider of St. John ambulance Malaysia since I'm in Sec 1 until now. Be a first aider, life rescuer, the things that you get from it is not money, but something that can't buy by using the dollars that you have - sense of happiness and accomplishment. You will never know how your small little action can affect a fragile life. A warm smile and greets to the casualties can actually pull their heartstrings. That's the reason why I am still wearing my uniform, going for duties without feeling of giving up this 'job'. It's no longer a CCA for me, it's a source of happiness, a candle to bright up others' life. Candle might burn up themselves, but for a good deed. Then why not to be a candle than a lighter? At least when you leave the world, there's thing that you proud of yourself. 

Being a first aider or a doctor, a nurse, the paramount principle is not only how much of theories that you have gained throughout the seven or eight years of studies, but a heart of gold, a heart that willing to help others without caring their status, religious, or the money that they will pay you. When doing a surgery, the only aim is to safe patient's life. When giving a course of medicines, doctor hope that the patient can have a speedy recovery. 

I have a dream to be an architect, but being a voluntary first aider will be my pass time. When you believe in how much you give to the society, God will give you the same thing as you gave, then the whole thing that you are doing is going to be priceless. 

Give a salute to the nurses and doctors out there, because they are fighting at the fine line between death and live. 

_szeyeeM 

Feeling

If one day I fail to smile, it's because you start to give me a very bad temper first. 

If one day I fail to reply your words, it's because you are busy with your phone but not me. 

If one day I start to think of want to get out of this house, it's because I can't feel warmness and happiness of a house anymore. 

If one day I start to think of die instantly, it's not because I'm done with my future, it's because I give up on my current life and people around me. 

If one day I catch my beg and walk out of this house without hesitation, it's because I'm tired of being alone in the house; I can't feel the care anymore. 

If one day I shout at you with my whole energy, it's the time I can't hold my thought anymore.

I tend to keep things to myself, I try to settle down every single stuff by myself because I don't want to be a burden for you. But sometime, I'm not big enough to settle down something, I need your help but what you have give me? Yes. No doubt you buy me things that I wish for. Nevertheless, did you know that the most I want is an hour of dinner time with you all, a simple ten minutes conversation, a trip without technology... 

I try to persuade myself that you are busy with work, you got no time to be with me, but what about the fifteen minute journey back to house everyday? 

_szeyeeM

Encounter

"A goodbye is for a better hello."

How if the next hello won't come in a short while, I hope we won't separate so far away. God put use together but separate us with a distance mean something? Perhaps I won't be so close to you and miss you so much if I'm  living next door to you.

Making a promise on the next date is hard, because I don't want to take it as a granted. It's not the reason that I scare I have not time to go for the next date, but I afraid that I'm not around any more. A promise is heavy, if you care, I know. I don't want myself to look forward a meet up and at last everything pull down.

I'm glad and bless for meeting you in life. Being a friend, to a best friend and a soul mate. I am sure that you know me to a higher level although we're not sticking together everyday, not chatting everyday, I'm sure you stalked me daily.(?) Being a best friend of mine is not easy, I'm not a very-easy-tolerate and easy going people. I can go mad in any second of time, I will not bother about you when you really do something over my limit. But luckily we're still fine now. I cherish time to stay together with you because even when we're not talking, the atmosphere is not weird and I'm not squeezing my brain juice to think of what to talk for the next second in order to break the silence. You're like a mum, a big sister of mine, you're not mentioning but I know you worried that I got my gastric pain again during famine 30. Forcing me to eat agin and again just to make sure I'm alright, but I hold on to my principle. To make you feel assured, I try hard not to mention about how pain I'm during the camp because I want everything go fine. I'm not someone who like to bring trouble to people, as you know. Encounting you in my life, I consider myself a lucky one. 

I'm playing with my phone when I'm walking, eating just because I'm bored. You're with your own stuff and I don't feel like disturbing all that. Haha. You said that we're talking but not chatting. But I sincerely hope that, one day we can sleep in one bed chatting deep into heart. You kept asking me when will I going oversea study in every meet up that we had throughout the year, but my answer is always the same- I don't know. Actually the offer letter was already laid in my mail box, how can I don't know about that? I hate the moment when we need to say goodbye, for a really long time of not meeting up. Maybe a year or a couple of years. I choose to not let you know and so that I can go off soundly. You will hate me for a moment, but I want you to remember how crazy I'm when im around but not the crying face when we're hugging in the airport sending me off. Let the date remain unknown and I can go without a tear rolling down across the cheeks. 

To my best friend, I'm blessed to have you, although we're apart but we're together. 

_szeyeeM

Understanding

I like to lying on my bed doing nothing but I knew I need to get up and do something. 

I like to spend my day playing piano but not the stupid basic scales again and again. 

I like to draw and send card but just for those who are important to me.

I like to have a great long chat with you but just if you're super close to me or not I will try to end our conversation as fast as possible. 

I like to travel alone because I dislike the unpunctual attitude and I am not that kind of people who will yield your negativity. But it's different story if you're best friend of mine.

I like to hang around and take photo of nature because I believe in creation on God.

I dislike people to yell at me when I'm doing something wrong instead of telling me the right one.

I dislike people to higher their volume in a chat as if they want to start a fight. 

I like harmonious, simple, joyful life. 

But you will never know. I'm going on my way, sailing my own sail. One day, when you're increasing your volume and I no longer reply you, it's the day I give up on the conversation. I knew that if I keep go the chat, I will probably commence a quarrel, I don't want that to happen. I prefer you to tell me in a softer way, I will keep your words in my mind if you did that. Parent. 

Tomorrow daddy is going to US. I call family out for a supper not because I'm hungry. Everytime when daddy was going for an oversea business trip since MH 370 aviation accident happened, I scared that that will be the last time I say good bye with my daddy. I catched every chance to communicate and take the time with daddy before the flight just to not let me regret later. Dad called me out for a mamak session last day but I refused to. I took the initiative to compensate the refuse last night. Nevertheless, what brothers and mum did are playing and taking their own sweet time with the phones.

 HELLO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST RESPECT A BIT? 

I cherish the time with you guys, but I think is just only me who seem this important. 

You don't know the meaning of every actions of mine. Fine. 

Reader, sorry if this article offense you again but this is the best way I can voice out my feeling without much people knowing. 

_szeyeeM 

Happiness

It can be as simple as the smile on your grandparent's face because you bought an Mc Donald's sundae chocolate for them.

It can be as hard as loving one person but you can't feel their breath and heartbeats. 

It can be as complex as traveling around the world, bring your soul into the country and you no longer get over it. 

It is an illusion, hard to get but easy to feel it if you enjoy things which are happening. 

It is like a photo, you can't capture an exact same one after that but you can keep the photo now and forever. 

Catch the second. 

Why not to take a family portrait when everyone is still around? For the sake of remembrance. Why not to show the love to parent and grandparent when they are still with you and can communicate with you with their wise words and their life's experience? Just for the sake of not to regret after they are no longer there for us. Why not to wake up one hour earlier to enjoy the gigantic sunrise? Although there will be another one tomorrow, who know what will happen on the next minute? Catch every moment of God's creation, for the sake of yourself. Why not to book an airplane ticket to travel oversea, to enjoy their culture and the different atmosphere on their motherland, with family or with the best friends? Just for the sake of exploring and experiencing life. 

Being happy deep from heart is not easy. The girl in front of you is smiling brightly, but can you see what is happening deep inside the soul? You can't. Nobody is as transparent as a glass. Reading one people mind is hard, even if you're a psychologist. Nobody is as crystal clear as the Great Ocean. Knowing what intention of ones approaching you is extremely hard. You don't know there's a killing knife or a helping hand.

Being naive is not wrong, but it's a little hard to survive in world nowadays. Be a bad guy with an angel's heart perhaps?



What is happiness?
 Happiness is_______ ( clearly defined by yourself )

_szeyeeM

Uncivilized

Following the steps of development of the technology in this 21th century, everyone has the right to carry an iPhone 6 plus in one hand and a Michael Kors handbag in another hand, walking on the New York street gorgeously. With the Rolex watch and the Prada garments, you're perfectly right to have all of them with you in this generation. " When in Rome, do as the Romans do." When in a countryside, act like a local villagers, live their life. Take your Nike off, remove the branded watch and run on the green big lawn. Forgetting about where you from, forget about the skyscraper on top of your head everyday, forget about the gigantic buildings, forget about the busy traffic and the noisy honking sound from the vehicles; just remember you're a child of God. Stop screaming and complaining about everything that's happening. Calm down, take in a deep breath of the fresh air, enjoy the melody from the nature, the tone of the wind, the butterflies flying around, the smell of greenery. Yes, you can say that you born to be in city but not town. Nonetheless, sometime, you need to slow down the pace and enjoy the creation of the God. Living under this generation, a century with highly financial demand, don't forget about the things that is more expensive than everything in this world, literally priceless, which is the nature.
Sun rise, sun set, earth is spinning. But every sun rise is different than the others. Wake up once to be the early bird to see this breathtaking scenery which is nicer than a Google image because you watch it with your own eyes.
Be the civilized one, but don't be the servant of technologies and trapped in the world of chips,  illusion and optic fibers. Later, you will topple over by them. The natures are the Google image, your eye is the best camera, and your mouth are the most powerful microphone. Make friend with the chickens and cows, dare to put your hands in the seawater and let your legs to be in the mud; things will be slightly different.
Here are some photos taken at Sarawak, Malaysia throughout these few days.

_szeyeeM

Grateful

If you read the last post which was month ago, there's a mood swing in my soul. Knowing how much I need and love my parents, I take all my words back but I won't delete the post as it will be a reminder for me not to do something like that again. I know how much my parent are paying off to secure my life, to give me the best they can. They are my pillar of strength. Although they didn't mention a single words about how hard or how not well their life is, I can feel the tension of them. 

I'm a girl who like to travel, like to take photo, as they declared. I thought I'm quite a sensible child, but sometime I feel like I am thinking way too over than reality should be. I ask for an ocean when my parents are trying so hard to give me a rive full of fishes. I ask for a personal helicopter when my parents are putting they head together to get me a car. I reminded myself again and again to cherish whatever I have, don't ask for more when I already have the best from my daddy and mummy. Yet, I can't do it. Something that I have to learn from my brother is he never ask or required a single thing from parent during a shopping day nor his birthday. He was still doing fine without all the glamorous and pricy stuffs. "Don't set a limit, it will limit you. But set a limit so that you won't go over the limit and regret later."

I booked a ticket to Korea couple of months ago when I'm doing my final. Feeling over excited for the first Korea trip, and now it calls a halt due to the terrifying MERS problem at the country. Daddy give me an option to choose another county that I would like to travel to. I told them I want to go Taiwan because I am familiar with the country since that I have been there quite a few time before this. In their mind, I am still like a little girl with my nappy, they will never putting their heart down to let me travel alone. During a dinner time with family, I just create a topic that my college friend is traveling to Australia during the date I am going to Korea. Without further ado, they replied balmily. 

" Why not you go Australia with your friend." 

I promise them I will take a lot of photos along the journey for them. 

With their souls and wishes, I will step on this kangaroo country in five days time. 

 

Parents, thanks for letting me to travel with my friend to this country which is 8 hours flight away from Malaysia. Thanks for the straightforward agreement for me to go there without checking how expensive the flight ticket was. Thanks for placing me there when you know that the expenses there will be an immense one. 

I am greedy, one side of me tell me to cherish whatever I have now, to not putting on parents' financial burden, to not get something better that my parents never experience before, but the evil side of me tells me to go ahead with my plan. I slap myself to wake me up, from this dream, but fortunately my parents shake me in a more dreamy wonderland. Thanks for all your toleration to my nonsense demands.

I promise that, I the coming future, I will let you, my parents, to travel without worry, like what I have now. 

_szeyeeM

Boundary

Parents, 

Home is no longer a place that can give me happiness. It's just a shelter. 

I used to describe to my friend I have a wonderful pair of parents who are just like a sun to my life, like a star in the dark.  On this point of life, I feel like what I have told my friends is merely my imaginary. I don't know if it's an obligation for parents to know their children, to go into their children's heart and look what's going on, go along with them throughout the dilemmas, facing the problem together with them, support them and give them limitless love. I knew you guys are busy earning money to secure our future. I didn't blame you guys for not sitting down and following our pace of life, for not being my side when I need you guys the most, for not listening to me when I'm helpless and I can't find a people to talk, for not supporting me when I need a simple good luck in facing problems, for continuously looking down and pouring cold water at me for whatever I think I can, for not knowing how high and how hard the trial that I just sit for, for not know how many sleepless hours I went through before every exam and for not knowing how happy I'm when I get a conditional offer from prestigious university that everyone desire to go. I know that I am big enough to take up life by my own. 

I know my responsibility is to study hard, to get a scholarship and go further study with my own capability. But I failed, I need to ask for your financial support. I forgive you for not knowing how I survive in hostel every single day by just study and no anything else because I never told you. I forgive you for consistently asking me to apply for other unis with a lower entry requirement because in your mind, I can't even get a straight A result. Yes, it was my fault for being stupid and useless among my friends, among the family members. I didn't get to prove myself for the past examinations. I didn't score well. I didn't make you proud because of having me as your child. I feel I'm more like a burden for you at this moment. You cried because of me. But, can you just give me another chance to prove myself that I can do it without your support? Just once, please parents. 

When you consistently asking me about uni stuff but not offer a help for me. I try to get everything done by my own. I knew you're busy and got no time to deal with all these petty stuff of mine. I tried hard but I am really tired at some point of time. What I need is just a simple consoles from you but you fail to give me. It's okay. I try to get across the havoc and stand up by myself. I try to be as stress- free as I could everytime when I go back home. I don't want you to worry about me meanwhile thinking of how to settle something more important than this. I have push myself to limit, but you try to push me down the cliff.

Remember the call that you rang me, telling me about trial result is posted to home and you saw it. The call disrupted halfway. It's not because of the connection problem, is me who hang it off. I need time to settle down myself, to wipe off my tears, and continue the conversation. Because I don't want you to know that I am crying, I don't want you to know that actually I care so much about the result also. 

I keep reminding myself everyday that, in my life, at least once, I must make my parent truly proud of me. I must be a star shone brightly in the sky and guiding you in the dark.

Parents, sorry for being a trouble in your life but not an angel that bring happiness and glory to you. I admit I failed as a daughter. 

However, I thank God to place me in this family, to be your child, but I just want to be a bit greedy to ask for a little more warmness from the family. 

Sorry. 

By, 

Failed daughter. 

Lost

She cried. She tend to overthink. 

Sometime, I felt things have changed a lot during this one year when I'm not around home so frequently. 

I started to think that is it because of me.

He changed. He became a cranky grumpy man. 

I don't know what have changed. 

Is it because I start to grow up, I realized a lot of petty details? 

I asked myself, is this a process of growing up? Or this is just happen on me? 

In the tranquil night, when I was doing my A levels past year question, a thought of commit suicide flow into my brain. I can felt that all this changes in my house is because of me. I am more like a trouble creator now. I can't feel the meaning of my breath. I can't feel myself standing on this earth. I unable to bring happiness for my family, but dilemma. Doesn't it to be a little angle at home an obligation of kid? I loss my direction. Originally, I am not like this. I try to wear a smiley face mask when I go back home, just to let them know that I'm alright at college without the caring of them. But, things don't go like this. Even when I try to communicate with my family members, they have showed an attitude that they have no time to be with me. I tried hard to bond with them but I failed. I have a very naive thaught that, I just need to concentrate in my study, I just need to pass my exams with flying colour, I just need to get an conditional offer from university, and the rest my parent with back me up. But I'm wrong again. I need to keep all the problems to me and forever with me. 

I start to think that I'm a disaster for the family. I am useless. But I just want to be myself. Back to myself. The ambitious one. The happy one. But I can't do this any longer. I feel more stupid day by day. I loss all my confident of being a student. Even I try to work harder and harder, the people beside me seem to go further every second in a higher speed. The people who supposed to run across the finishing line with me left me behind, left me running alone. Yes, I get an conditional offer from University of Bath to continue my tertiary study oversea as an architecture student. At the instant, I'm overjoyed. I thought my life have changed. I can get into a prestigious university and can continue the rest of my study life over there. But I think a bit too little. I don't know that the problem arose since the day I told my parents that I got an conditional offer from Btah. I blame  myself every time for being unable to score a 9A* in SPM and ruined everything. I hate myself even more when I can't get a scholarship from NGO company and secure my future. And all I have for now is nothing. 

I am just like a handicap without my stick and my wheelchair now. 

I leave every decision to god, I hope that He can give me a little courage to go through this awful plight.

 

_szeyeeM 

Phosphene

Phosphene : (n) the light and colour produced by rubbing your eyes. 

How wonderful the word presenting in it own way. I knew you are trying to rub your eye now to get these wonderful spot of colours appear in your line of sight. This is a natural phenomenal, is something that we can't control. When you want to cheer yourself up with the tiny colorful spots, but your eyes failed you. When you don't want it to happend and block your sight, it appeared. Things always happend out of our expectation in life, either you ready to catch it or you let it slides after your palm. If you refused to accept the truth when it already come in front of you, you crowned yourself as a coward. Facing the reality isn't scary, the scariest part is to know the consequences of running away from actuality. This is God means to let it happend, just catch the ball and figure it out what it look like. Don't always build a high wall in your heart and block the ball from reaching your hand. It's just like losing a chance. Losing an opportunity to change a life , to transform the current situation. The moment you reject the ball, it bounced back to others hand. Is this worth? Why not just take a couple of bricks down from the wall, let the ball falls in and see what's happening? 

Phosphene appeared, it blur your sight in one second, and it goes off. Somebody come into our life just in one hour time, or perhaps one day, but some stay until the end. You don't know who is going to stay and leave, you can't read their mind. Nevertheless, holding their hands and thoughts when they're still beside you,spending time to know them. Meanwhile, they will start to change their mind to stay alongside you. Do not slam the door shut and locked yourself in a non-light penetrating room. Day by day, light intensity getting lesser and lesser, darkness approaches, and you can no longer feel the colour and cheerful atmosphere around you. Always hold the key in your hand, unlock the door when necessary. Maybe friends are waiting you outside the door, waiting to give you a warm lovely hug, waiting to go for a road trip with you, waiting to spend his time with you. Give them a chance, give yourself too.  

 

I have been currently sit my ass off preparing for the final A levels exam. The result is a passport to future, I knew that. By realizing that, I strated to shut myself up in the room, filled my brain with all the knowledge that I have to know, refuse to interact with people. I scared when I opened the door, went over the fences, i can't control myself anymore. I have forced myself, give myself all the motivations and power to study throughout the weeks. I don't want the hard work fade off just like this. I CANT LET THIS HAPPEND. This is regarding my future. Praying to god, wanting Him give me the pillar of power to continue the journey. I feel bad to my family, my friends, for my inconsistent temper. I stressed up all the way. World war is happening in my brain and I have no weapon to fight against the enemies. I try to collect the weapons, but I realize that I start to run away, leaving all my alliance behind. I tell myself, this cannot go further. Turn back, pick up whatever you have and continue the war until the end of the day.  Cheer for your victory with all the teammates.  Open th door, let the fresh air in, take a deep breath, and move forward. Destination is not far away from the point you stepped. 

_szeyeeM 

Token of appreciation

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.” ― Lewis Carroll

If you're still stay alive in this world, you can feel the atmosphere of this earth, the gravitational force is still acting on you, there's too much that we need to appreciate for. First, thank God for your existence in this earth. Second, feel grateful for parent who bring you to this world after a ten months of pregnancy. Then, say thank you to everyone who appear in your life, either they had left your life or still along side you. Furthermore, express the gratitude to all the things that happen to let you reminisce after this. Thank for sunrise sunset, thank for rain falling and thunderstorm, thank for snowing and breezing wind. Summer come, winter left. But the next round of winter is coming. So why not to look forward and keep going, one day snow will back to your backyard covering the land with that white powdery colour. 

There are too many things turn up unexpectly happened in our life. You can't catch the shadow of them before they appear. Because the sun is not behind them, not letting you have a chance for viewing the silhouette before they appear in front of you. Applying the same theory, if you're the sun, then things will be different. Therefore, be cheerful like a sun, be friendly like the scorching sunlight, then everything  will automatically show their face in front of you. Scare to be as hot as sun? Then be the snow. To bring a sign of arctic whether to the land. To cold down the hot body. To bring happiness to the kid who like to build a snowman; be like Olaf. 

No matter what is happening in the next second, believe that it is He's will. God bring us to this world as a human with an aim, make your existence a significant one. 

_szeyeeM 

Nailed it down

Hello reader yup I'm here again after two days. 

I am now completely relaxing sitting on my bed, with my loved teddy bear and iPad in my hand. Last two days marked the end of my A level trial exam. Fiew, I feel like the two weeks of trials were really killing me down to the hell but fortunately I survived. Throughout the whole month of preparation, nope, I have to say that I started preparing for this trial when the day I started the A2 syllabus. My four fabulous lecturers keep throwing the same sentence to us: " Hey kid, A2 is hard. You need to work like insane for it." ( yes it sounds a little exaggerated but it's absolutely correct, I feel the power of their words now )

"Hey Michelle, don't keep stick your butt to the chair, come on, move a bit. Or not you will owning a big ass and an unhealthy body after scoring an excellent result in A level." my grandparents told me this every time when I went back home during weekend. I felt sorry to them as well as my parents because I feel stressed up and nearly screwed up for this trial and I give them a f shittty face every time when I meet them. I knew, I knew I need to turn myself into the normal me when I step into home, because there's the place where happiness blossomed, but I just can't make it. The massive pressure that acting on me is just like a hydroelectric turbine trying to generate the water by the high enormous hydropower. Anyway, I had passed through this critical time. I promised to give my body a couple days of rest after the days and nights of non stop studying. So I'm now giving myself a day of break and get out of the stack of past year books and doing things I like to do. 

I want to finish this drama, I want to watch that movie, I want to go to try out this restaurant, I want to go here, I want to do that... A lot and a lot of plans spinning over my brain. I knew it's impossible to get all of them in reality in this two weeks of study break ( I call it as study break because I don't want myself to sink into the relax mood and never float up to the surface and revise for my final ) I utter to myself : " Michelle, just one more month to final and you're done with this, please get it right and let it be a glory phase in your life."  

Ahran cho: " You're not helping out our team at all! "  

Leslie: " Can I finish my sentence without you jumping in there every time I say something. " 

From master chef season 5, conversation between an 18 year-old young lady and an 56 year-old man.

 

How you feel when you listen this dialog? Will they turn up become foe or ally?  Out of the expectation, this two people who always bickering over each other become friend at last. She chosen him as a teammate, he was luckily to have she as a helper in the top 3 elimination test. She turned out respecting he as a senior, as a friend. Who said a cat and dog can't be alliance? Who said penguin can't meet polar bear? Who said cow must be couple with bull? 

Yes you're right! I used up my time to catch up with master chef out of all the plans. This couple of people draw my attention throughout the whole culinary process. 19 episodes and Ahran made it until the 9th place and Leslie competed in the war, with quarrels among him and the teammates, until the semifinal. He's a sophisticated and phenomenal cook, I shall said that. Despite that he's sinister smile and all those sarcastic sentences, he made himself shone in the competition. He nailed most of the dishes, from fillet to a New York cheese cake although he claimed that he never baked a sponge cake before that.

On the other hand, Ahran said something that truly inspired me when she left master chef as the top 9 cook. " I'm just 18, I made it to here and I'm happy with it. I am here to tell all the young people outside who aged same as me that don't fail to chase after their dream." She yelled, she cried, she terrified by the raw moving prawn in the water tank, she's the youngest cook in the competition but she strong. I adored her attitude in the competition, the heart of never giving up until the last and the determination in her soul. I am sharing the same age as she, but I can't even handle a nice sunny side up egg but she can come out with all those stunning and scrumptious dishes within one hour time and be the team leader of one round of the competition. I am ashamed of myself at the point of time. A young lady is standing on the world standard kitchen chasing after her dreaming and I am studying my ass off at the library everyday. But I knew those things can't make their way together and compare with each other, just like we can't compare a chicken wing with a chicken breast. Everyone has their very own dream to achieve for. As long as you are breathing in oxygen, you must return something to this world. Nailed something seriously, hammer the nail strongly, make it goes through the layers of wound, build a strong foundation, and dream will build up stand strong in this blue planet. Thrown all those petty things  that's unnecessary, fill up brain with pillar of positive power, keep moving, don't give up, success is not far from you. 

I hope that my words in this post will insired all the young people outside a little who is on their pathway of life. It the post trigger your thought, you're on the right path! Don't always jealous of other's superb achievement, make them envy of yours too. 

I will end my words here today. Good night and have a good rest. 

_szeyeeM 

Emeritus

"I have no regret. I have spent my life, so much of it, building up this country. There's nothing more than I need to do. At the end of he day, what I have got? A successful Singapore. What I have given up? My life." said the late Singapore's first prime minister, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. 

Hello fello reader, I'm here again instead of studying for my trial exam. ( I have my last paper tomorrow! ) Anyway, the death of Mr. Lee hit my core of heart and it brought my thought ups and downs. Although I'm not a Singaporean, I am a Malaysian who lives just beside Singapore separated by the customs. Despite, can't deny that the small little island which is smaller than a New York town have fully developed and turn from a British colony to now a prosper country with their own identity. Salute to this man who had brought Singapore out of Malaya during the year of 1965, and lead the country so well until today. We need to admit that he did a right decision to declare independence from Federal of Malaya. He made the country shone on the world map by the name of Singapore. 

It's not easy to bring up a family, nor a company, what to say to bring up a country. Mr. Lee meant to spend the whole life to his land. He used up his life to have meeting with British man, thinking of how to turn the status of country to a higher one. He hold on his vows. If you have been to Singapore, you will love the place for sure. A place surrounded by greenery, a place which is rubbish-free, a place which everyone treat you politely. Yes, this is all founded by the late. 

" work until you no longer need to introduce yourself." 

This sentence hit my thought strongly. Who don't know Mr. Lee as the first prime minister of Singapore? If there's a day, I do not need to do a simple introduction " hello my name is Michelle..." and people will automatically come to me and call out my name involuntary, that's mean I have a little success in my life. I hope I can achieve that one day,  to appreciate by other with honour because of my contributions to a country or to the world. I'm just like a tiny sand on the desert, like a discrete particle among all the photons in the air. I don't born to be perfect, but I born to be someone. I'm building up an awesome castle and I'm the planner, the architect, the designer. And till the end of my life, I can welcome people to step into my castle proudly. Yes, it's good to have a dream in life. But dream without action is just like a pool with water. By your little actions day by day, castle may be getting bigger and stand still on the earth, provided with a good foundation. 

You can't be perfect, because being perfect, you have no chance to improve and you're not Him. You not need to be perfect. Being a perfectionist for something is alright. But if being perfect make your life harder, why no just have some flaws to make it more interesting? A glass without slashes  is beautiful, but a mirror with some scratches prove it's history. Instead of weeping and sheding tear everyday, why not to live like a sunflower, growing toward the sun and bring hope to the surrounding? Flaws and mistakes knocked someone down at the point of time, but remember to stand up after some time and rebuild the castle. No matter how sulphur dioxide is going to corrode the castle, you as the architect must take action to rebuild it and to preserve it until the last second you inhale oxygen.

Respect life, live life. Your life will turn up to respect and cherish by other one day. Like how Singaporeans are paying tribute to Mr. Lee. I want to make my last day of life in the Earth like him. 

I believe in " Be quite, let success make noise." 

Send my deep consolation and tribute to Mr. Lee, the legend. 

_szeyeeM 

Eternity

. "Stay eternity"

What come across your mind when this word appeared in front of you? A person, an incident or a love story? Love sealed for eternity in somebody life. An indefinitely friendship. A last long kind of memory. An unbreakable sensation... Do thing last forever. I doubt so when it come across friendship. Friend zone built up, it breaks sometime, it maintain till the end of your life the another way round. Different people own a definition of friendship. Some of you seem it as a beneficial tool to fix yourself into a better one, or as a ladder to climb higher, as a bridge to cross over a river, as a tower to see a more breathtaking view. Contrary, one' will take it as a promise or an honor. They planted their sincerity as part of the companionship. They put in their time to built up a robust and still foundation for the acquaintanceship. I hated people who invest a friendship and start to get interest every month like what bank did. 

From the day you decide to go onto this ship together with he/she, do respect it as an important part of your life. Isn't something that you can take it and just throw it away like a Barbie doll when you don't want. As mentioned, treat it as though it's an affiance. You not need to give a sweet long sentence to promise this relationship, what you need to do is just show an action that you cherish it. 

"Noting will stay in life forever."

I admitted that I am kind of people who like socializing. I can just smile and started a conversation with a stranger when I walk in college. Or I can just wave and say hi with you and I assumed that we are acquaintance. My definition of friend is as easy as what we written in an academic essay: " Friends are those who tapped you on shoulder when you're at the verge of life. Friend is the one who shine you a flash light when you're in a dark cave." But, friends come and leave, soundly.  I want to make it stagnant but I can't. 

"Can it last longer?"

I received an conditional offer from University of Bath to study a BcShonor of    Architecture last few days. I thank God for His Iove towards me. He shone an effulgence to my life, like a star glimpsing in dark. Feeling appreciate at first few seconds, I felt upset later. This fresh stage of life will bring a brand new me. Being a freshman in university and even a country is not easy. The dilemmas I need to come across are out of my expectation. From a meet up after months with my bestie until a gathering just during special occasions such as fridn's wedding dinner, his 21th birthday celebration... I don't want thing to be like this. I knew this will happen. "Distance can prove how strong a friendship is, but it can also show how fragile it's." As a typical nerdy, I don't think I will spend a significant time to have a skype call with my friends or a long whatsapp conversation during study time. I will rather choose to sleep my head off in the fluffy bed or go for a hang out at the city beside. But this come with condition, if you're someone who is important in my life, yes, it's true that I will spend my time sitting down in front of the webcam, listening to your problems or feeling your happiness over there for hours...

"Thing might change when time pass" 

I hope the bond between us is a disulphide bond but not van de waals force. 

_szeyeeM 

The pre Chinese New Year celebration

. 13 Feb. Oh do you know #FEB13STYLE? Swiftie here!!! Stay tune to the releasing of STYLE music album. 

But I'm not going to tell you this today. 

Was here to tell you about our pre-CNY celebration at college today with my gang of fabulous classmates. Chinese New Year is in one week time. So we planned to have a Yee Shang session in classroom to arouse the CNY atmosphere. 4A* here and there when we're mixing the ingredients of the Yee Shang. Yes we need this 4A* deadly to enter top universities. I knew we can! Funny to say that my classmate, Angel even brought a mini speaker to class so that she can played songs during the session. The songs worked, we felt as though today is the first day of Chinese New Year. Moreover, my sarawakian classmates who haven't been home for half year are so excited to go on plane. I can feel how happy they're to meet their family. Safe flight people! 

Second time to celebrate Chinese New Year with group2 mates and probably is the last time. Although we're all stressing for coming A2, relaxation is needed among the pack timetable. Group 2 peeps are the most fabulous classmates I ever met, I can say that. They not seem like nerd, they socialize, but together we can score flying colour in exam. That's the great part of us. Lecturers might seem us as a gang of monkeys ( we're super noisy in chemistry and math class but pin-drop-silent when come to biology and physic class, idk why.) 

Furthermore, here's we go with some photo sharing session. 

***drumssss. She's Angel, my best study partner in crime and I slept on her bed wore her clothes before this. 

Dani, the fabulous Indian bae. 

Michelle sook cheng, who shared the same name with me :D 

And this is our ass class rap. But his is busier than the class rap. He's a smart ass but always like to say that he's not clever. **BUUUUU

Bess, another smart girl in our class. She got all 90+ in her AS tho. (Scary) 

She's Audrey, the librarian we call her. Because she's will sit at the fix place at library to study everyday after class without miss. Super smart genius of class. 

Sukwen, my best deskmate who I will crazy with during class. She heard lots of cursing from me about the lecturer. Haha

Dalanggggg, the POTD! He's Ryan. I knew this picture is like an ads, photo credited to angel! Why we took this photo? Because both of us wear the checker shirt and both from uniqlo! So basically what we want to bring out is an UNIQLO ads feel! 

Lastly, here we go with out group photo! 

To the end of the day of college, I will miss this troop of awesome people who appear in my 18th year of life :') 

5 days to CNY. 

_szeyeeM 

A present.

Hello peeps! 

Do you ever come across a brainstorm session to think of what to give your bestie as his/her birthday present? Something that she likes? Something that's very expensive? Or something that's out of her expectation? 

I have this one and only bestie who having her birthday a month ago. We did a birthday surprise at KLCC for her last year. But this year she's having her final on her birthday so nothing will do for the celebration. I past my box of present to her friends and called them to pass to her. I have no idea what time they will hold a celebration for her but they did. 

Just by last week, they are having the birthday surprise to her ( I think so) because I seriously don't know a single thing about that. They posted some photos related to the celebration on Facebook and I can see the smile and happiness that shone on her face, despite she's crying. 

Are you curious of what I presented her? 

Okay. Her we go with a brief idea of the gift. It's actually a grey colour Mickey T from UNIQLO ( she likes Mickey very much), followed by a Mickey nano Lego, the photos that we took together before this in a polaroid style and 20 typical " open this when..." letters. Wow it sounds a lot right? Actually this is not a lot if you know that I'm not going to celebrate her 20,21,22,23,24th birthday together with her because probably I will go study aboard this coming September. So, this is what I can do in prior so that she can feel the existence of me when I'm not beside her. ( this sounds lesbian, but admittedly we're in this kind of friendship :D) 

I knew that she's not those who will show her happiness in front of everyone, but as long as I can feel she likes what I give sincerely, it's worth enough for me to squeez my brain juice just to think of the picture of this present days and nights two months ago.   

" I give my best for my bestie. I give the imaginary present of my own birthday to someone who is important to me besides my family. This is just because I cherish this precious friendship which nothing can or will replace it." 

Yea, so if you're struggling over what gift to give for a people who is crucial to you. Here is a hint: do it in all sincerity, if you know he/she well, they will like whatever you send them. 

So sorry that I didn't manage to capture a picture of the gift, people. 

That's all for now, bye. 

_szeyeeM 

Chinese calligraphy

Chinese New Year is just around the corner. As a Malaysian Chinese, we do celebrate Chinese New Year grandly. It's a significant festival for us as it symbolizes the starting of a new year in lunar calendar. Whilst the approaching of this festival, there's a lot of Chinese associations and local government who busy organizing sort of Chinese New Year programmes such as calligraphy competitions, lantern making competitions and etc to arouse the atmosphere of the festival. Plus, Chinese calligraphy is a tradition that passed down from our ancestors. A pair of Chinese calligraphy will paste at the both sides of the front door to shoo away the bad luck and it normally wrote with the words which carry good meanings. 

I had participated in two of the calligraphy competitions yesterday. It was not in the plan at first because I was actually sitting for my IELTS test on Saturday and didn't plan to go back to my home. Out of the sudden my mum rang a call to me and informed me that daddy will come subang to pick me up and want me to involve in the competition. I was reluctant, because I hate last minute inform like seriously. But still, I was at the competition venue on Sunday. 

As a 19 year-old teen, I am no longer qualified to enter secondary school category. I need to put myself in the situation that I gonna compete with all those professional teachers and old folks with sophisticated skills. I got no confidence at all when the first minute I step into the competition venue. But my mind told me that," Michelle, prove yourself. Dad and mum are there to see you on the stage to get back trophy. Make them proud." 

For the first competition to the next competition, I was in rush. I only manage to have thirty minutes to complete my work in the first competition and I have to go for the next one which is approximately 15 minutes from the previous venue. Luckily I have enough time to finish both of them on my level. I was satisfied with my master pieces . And there's where confidence built up. 

When the moment my name get called on the prize giving ceremony, the smile that bloom on my parents' face was priceless. I feel the proudness they have on brother and my performance. Not to forget about my little brother who also took part in the same competitions as me under secondary category. He did performs well too! We were over the moon. 

Ps. I got a second place for both of the competitions. My brother got second place and consolation prize. 

It's worth to spend my Sunday morning in such a meaningful event with my family. I knew that, no matter what happens, parents will always be with me and support me. They are the one who will be with you till the end of the day. Even a morning with them is enough to fill my memories with happiness. Cherish the time with parents.

A show of photos of our master pieces :D 

Oh have to sleep now. Have a tight sleep readers! 

_szeyeeM 

Giving up is not in the list

The first day of February jot a memorable one. I went for my first half marathon of life which is organized by Nike. It came with a theme of We Run KL 2015. If you're one among the 10k runner, be proud, because this run held just in three countries among other elses and Malaysia is one of them. 

I am pretty looking forward this enormous event and training hard since months ago in order to survive throughout the run. Step into gym three times per week do help in building up my stamina and my overall running performance. From running a 3k in 30minutes to 20 minutes, from gasping for air until the day I can jump down from treadmill after one hour without feeling dizziness. People said they going to gym to own a slim body, I said I want a healthy and fit body. Exercise is not for others' benefit, is for your own good. Make it as a habit, you will realize the little change in your body and day by day, you can be the fit one. 

Flag off at 5:30am, 10k of participants running across the starting line. I run across the morning breezing wind. Keeping the consistent pace throughput the first 10km, my body performed well. Run across the highway road used up my energy as it's an inclined pathway. It's fine when the moment I get to eat a banana and drink the hypertonic drink. 

As a first time half marathon runner, I used up 3 hours for the whole journey. The timing will show a decrease if I put myself on the treadmill consistently. Will definitely train hard in order to show a better running for the next half marathon. 

The other runners taught me that, it's not the matter of winning or losing in the run, the important thing is you did enjoy the process, although you are the last one to run across the finishing line, you're still the winner because you completed the mission. Stop, and take a rest if you really can't make it. Continue running as long as you still able to. Giving up is forever not in the list. Present yourself a clap if you make it to the finishing line. 

Despite all the injuries and tiredness after the event, it was an unforgettable experience.

Another accomplishment unlocked! 

_szeyeeM

New year resolution.

This come a bit late, but still it's the first month of January. 

As you know, last year, I'm so super busy with my study. I almost used up my time to soak myself in a stack and a stack of books. People said: if you survive A levels, you can lie down and watch Disney during your degree. I don't know how true is this, but I hope it was. I will not hesitate to say that I enjoy last year to the maximum. I knew a group of geniuses who always be my side when I need somebody to answer my questions. I attend many activities that's out of my plan. I learnt a lot. To wrap up, 2014 is another fabulous year of my life-18th year of my book of life. 

So here we go looking forward to this brand new 2015. I'm still a college student, but there's just another half year to go! Sit back to study really hard for my coming trial and A2 final. It will definitely be a hardcore, but to place myself at a prestigious university for the nest five years, I must ace this. 

I believe everyone will do a New Year Resolutions list to remind yourself what's the goal of this year. So here am I. 

1. Study hard

2. Graduated college together with my buddies in coming June

3. A graduation trip to Sarawak with buddies 

4. Get a healthy body, don't get sick anymore 

5. Be good to my family, because I knew there's no much time leave before studying aboard 

6. Have a good hang out with my bestie 

7. All the best in the coming university life over UK :D 

You can do this well, Michelle :D 

_szeyeeM