Lost

She cried. She tend to overthink. 

Sometime, I felt things have changed a lot during this one year when I'm not around home so frequently. 

I started to think that is it because of me.

He changed. He became a cranky grumpy man. 

I don't know what have changed. 

Is it because I start to grow up, I realized a lot of petty details? 

I asked myself, is this a process of growing up? Or this is just happen on me? 

In the tranquil night, when I was doing my A levels past year question, a thought of commit suicide flow into my brain. I can felt that all this changes in my house is because of me. I am more like a trouble creator now. I can't feel the meaning of my breath. I can't feel myself standing on this earth. I unable to bring happiness for my family, but dilemma. Doesn't it to be a little angle at home an obligation of kid? I loss my direction. Originally, I am not like this. I try to wear a smiley face mask when I go back home, just to let them know that I'm alright at college without the caring of them. But, things don't go like this. Even when I try to communicate with my family members, they have showed an attitude that they have no time to be with me. I tried hard to bond with them but I failed. I have a very naive thaught that, I just need to concentrate in my study, I just need to pass my exams with flying colour, I just need to get an conditional offer from university, and the rest my parent with back me up. But I'm wrong again. I need to keep all the problems to me and forever with me. 

I start to think that I'm a disaster for the family. I am useless. But I just want to be myself. Back to myself. The ambitious one. The happy one. But I can't do this any longer. I feel more stupid day by day. I loss all my confident of being a student. Even I try to work harder and harder, the people beside me seem to go further every second in a higher speed. The people who supposed to run across the finishing line with me left me behind, left me running alone. Yes, I get an conditional offer from University of Bath to continue my tertiary study oversea as an architecture student. At the instant, I'm overjoyed. I thought my life have changed. I can get into a prestigious university and can continue the rest of my study life over there. But I think a bit too little. I don't know that the problem arose since the day I told my parents that I got an conditional offer from Btah. I blame  myself every time for being unable to score a 9A* in SPM and ruined everything. I hate myself even more when I can't get a scholarship from NGO company and secure my future. And all I have for now is nothing. 

I am just like a handicap without my stick and my wheelchair now. 

I leave every decision to god, I hope that He can give me a little courage to go through this awful plight.

 

_szeyeeM