Boundary

Parents, 

Home is no longer a place that can give me happiness. It's just a shelter. 

I used to describe to my friend I have a wonderful pair of parents who are just like a sun to my life, like a star in the dark.  On this point of life, I feel like what I have told my friends is merely my imaginary. I don't know if it's an obligation for parents to know their children, to go into their children's heart and look what's going on, go along with them throughout the dilemmas, facing the problem together with them, support them and give them limitless love. I knew you guys are busy earning money to secure our future. I didn't blame you guys for not sitting down and following our pace of life, for not being my side when I need you guys the most, for not listening to me when I'm helpless and I can't find a people to talk, for not supporting me when I need a simple good luck in facing problems, for continuously looking down and pouring cold water at me for whatever I think I can, for not knowing how high and how hard the trial that I just sit for, for not know how many sleepless hours I went through before every exam and for not knowing how happy I'm when I get a conditional offer from prestigious university that everyone desire to go. I know that I am big enough to take up life by my own. 

I know my responsibility is to study hard, to get a scholarship and go further study with my own capability. But I failed, I need to ask for your financial support. I forgive you for not knowing how I survive in hostel every single day by just study and no anything else because I never told you. I forgive you for consistently asking me to apply for other unis with a lower entry requirement because in your mind, I can't even get a straight A result. Yes, it was my fault for being stupid and useless among my friends, among the family members. I didn't get to prove myself for the past examinations. I didn't score well. I didn't make you proud because of having me as your child. I feel I'm more like a burden for you at this moment. You cried because of me. But, can you just give me another chance to prove myself that I can do it without your support? Just once, please parents. 

When you consistently asking me about uni stuff but not offer a help for me. I try to get everything done by my own. I knew you're busy and got no time to deal with all these petty stuff of mine. I tried hard but I am really tired at some point of time. What I need is just a simple consoles from you but you fail to give me. It's okay. I try to get across the havoc and stand up by myself. I try to be as stress- free as I could everytime when I go back home. I don't want you to worry about me meanwhile thinking of how to settle something more important than this. I have push myself to limit, but you try to push me down the cliff.

Remember the call that you rang me, telling me about trial result is posted to home and you saw it. The call disrupted halfway. It's not because of the connection problem, is me who hang it off. I need time to settle down myself, to wipe off my tears, and continue the conversation. Because I don't want you to know that I am crying, I don't want you to know that actually I care so much about the result also. 

I keep reminding myself everyday that, in my life, at least once, I must make my parent truly proud of me. I must be a star shone brightly in the sky and guiding you in the dark.

Parents, sorry for being a trouble in your life but not an angel that bring happiness and glory to you. I admit I failed as a daughter. 

However, I thank God to place me in this family, to be your child, but I just want to be a bit greedy to ask for a little more warmness from the family. 

Sorry. 

By, 

Failed daughter. 

Lost

She cried. She tend to overthink. 

Sometime, I felt things have changed a lot during this one year when I'm not around home so frequently. 

I started to think that is it because of me.

He changed. He became a cranky grumpy man. 

I don't know what have changed. 

Is it because I start to grow up, I realized a lot of petty details? 

I asked myself, is this a process of growing up? Or this is just happen on me? 

In the tranquil night, when I was doing my A levels past year question, a thought of commit suicide flow into my brain. I can felt that all this changes in my house is because of me. I am more like a trouble creator now. I can't feel the meaning of my breath. I can't feel myself standing on this earth. I unable to bring happiness for my family, but dilemma. Doesn't it to be a little angle at home an obligation of kid? I loss my direction. Originally, I am not like this. I try to wear a smiley face mask when I go back home, just to let them know that I'm alright at college without the caring of them. But, things don't go like this. Even when I try to communicate with my family members, they have showed an attitude that they have no time to be with me. I tried hard to bond with them but I failed. I have a very naive thaught that, I just need to concentrate in my study, I just need to pass my exams with flying colour, I just need to get an conditional offer from university, and the rest my parent with back me up. But I'm wrong again. I need to keep all the problems to me and forever with me. 

I start to think that I'm a disaster for the family. I am useless. But I just want to be myself. Back to myself. The ambitious one. The happy one. But I can't do this any longer. I feel more stupid day by day. I loss all my confident of being a student. Even I try to work harder and harder, the people beside me seem to go further every second in a higher speed. The people who supposed to run across the finishing line with me left me behind, left me running alone. Yes, I get an conditional offer from University of Bath to continue my tertiary study oversea as an architecture student. At the instant, I'm overjoyed. I thought my life have changed. I can get into a prestigious university and can continue the rest of my study life over there. But I think a bit too little. I don't know that the problem arose since the day I told my parents that I got an conditional offer from Btah. I blame  myself every time for being unable to score a 9A* in SPM and ruined everything. I hate myself even more when I can't get a scholarship from NGO company and secure my future. And all I have for now is nothing. 

I am just like a handicap without my stick and my wheelchair now. 

I leave every decision to god, I hope that He can give me a little courage to go through this awful plight.

 

_szeyeeM 

Phosphene

Phosphene : (n) the light and colour produced by rubbing your eyes. 

How wonderful the word presenting in it own way. I knew you are trying to rub your eye now to get these wonderful spot of colours appear in your line of sight. This is a natural phenomenal, is something that we can't control. When you want to cheer yourself up with the tiny colorful spots, but your eyes failed you. When you don't want it to happend and block your sight, it appeared. Things always happend out of our expectation in life, either you ready to catch it or you let it slides after your palm. If you refused to accept the truth when it already come in front of you, you crowned yourself as a coward. Facing the reality isn't scary, the scariest part is to know the consequences of running away from actuality. This is God means to let it happend, just catch the ball and figure it out what it look like. Don't always build a high wall in your heart and block the ball from reaching your hand. It's just like losing a chance. Losing an opportunity to change a life , to transform the current situation. The moment you reject the ball, it bounced back to others hand. Is this worth? Why not just take a couple of bricks down from the wall, let the ball falls in and see what's happening? 

Phosphene appeared, it blur your sight in one second, and it goes off. Somebody come into our life just in one hour time, or perhaps one day, but some stay until the end. You don't know who is going to stay and leave, you can't read their mind. Nevertheless, holding their hands and thoughts when they're still beside you,spending time to know them. Meanwhile, they will start to change their mind to stay alongside you. Do not slam the door shut and locked yourself in a non-light penetrating room. Day by day, light intensity getting lesser and lesser, darkness approaches, and you can no longer feel the colour and cheerful atmosphere around you. Always hold the key in your hand, unlock the door when necessary. Maybe friends are waiting you outside the door, waiting to give you a warm lovely hug, waiting to go for a road trip with you, waiting to spend his time with you. Give them a chance, give yourself too.  

 

I have been currently sit my ass off preparing for the final A levels exam. The result is a passport to future, I knew that. By realizing that, I strated to shut myself up in the room, filled my brain with all the knowledge that I have to know, refuse to interact with people. I scared when I opened the door, went over the fences, i can't control myself anymore. I have forced myself, give myself all the motivations and power to study throughout the weeks. I don't want the hard work fade off just like this. I CANT LET THIS HAPPEND. This is regarding my future. Praying to god, wanting Him give me the pillar of power to continue the journey. I feel bad to my family, my friends, for my inconsistent temper. I stressed up all the way. World war is happening in my brain and I have no weapon to fight against the enemies. I try to collect the weapons, but I realize that I start to run away, leaving all my alliance behind. I tell myself, this cannot go further. Turn back, pick up whatever you have and continue the war until the end of the day.  Cheer for your victory with all the teammates.  Open th door, let the fresh air in, take a deep breath, and move forward. Destination is not far away from the point you stepped. 

_szeyeeM 

Token of appreciation

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.” ― Lewis Carroll

If you're still stay alive in this world, you can feel the atmosphere of this earth, the gravitational force is still acting on you, there's too much that we need to appreciate for. First, thank God for your existence in this earth. Second, feel grateful for parent who bring you to this world after a ten months of pregnancy. Then, say thank you to everyone who appear in your life, either they had left your life or still along side you. Furthermore, express the gratitude to all the things that happen to let you reminisce after this. Thank for sunrise sunset, thank for rain falling and thunderstorm, thank for snowing and breezing wind. Summer come, winter left. But the next round of winter is coming. So why not to look forward and keep going, one day snow will back to your backyard covering the land with that white powdery colour. 

There are too many things turn up unexpectly happened in our life. You can't catch the shadow of them before they appear. Because the sun is not behind them, not letting you have a chance for viewing the silhouette before they appear in front of you. Applying the same theory, if you're the sun, then things will be different. Therefore, be cheerful like a sun, be friendly like the scorching sunlight, then everything  will automatically show their face in front of you. Scare to be as hot as sun? Then be the snow. To bring a sign of arctic whether to the land. To cold down the hot body. To bring happiness to the kid who like to build a snowman; be like Olaf. 

No matter what is happening in the next second, believe that it is He's will. God bring us to this world as a human with an aim, make your existence a significant one. 

_szeyeeM 

Nailed it down

Hello reader yup I'm here again after two days. 

I am now completely relaxing sitting on my bed, with my loved teddy bear and iPad in my hand. Last two days marked the end of my A level trial exam. Fiew, I feel like the two weeks of trials were really killing me down to the hell but fortunately I survived. Throughout the whole month of preparation, nope, I have to say that I started preparing for this trial when the day I started the A2 syllabus. My four fabulous lecturers keep throwing the same sentence to us: " Hey kid, A2 is hard. You need to work like insane for it." ( yes it sounds a little exaggerated but it's absolutely correct, I feel the power of their words now )

"Hey Michelle, don't keep stick your butt to the chair, come on, move a bit. Or not you will owning a big ass and an unhealthy body after scoring an excellent result in A level." my grandparents told me this every time when I went back home during weekend. I felt sorry to them as well as my parents because I feel stressed up and nearly screwed up for this trial and I give them a f shittty face every time when I meet them. I knew, I knew I need to turn myself into the normal me when I step into home, because there's the place where happiness blossomed, but I just can't make it. The massive pressure that acting on me is just like a hydroelectric turbine trying to generate the water by the high enormous hydropower. Anyway, I had passed through this critical time. I promised to give my body a couple days of rest after the days and nights of non stop studying. So I'm now giving myself a day of break and get out of the stack of past year books and doing things I like to do. 

I want to finish this drama, I want to watch that movie, I want to go to try out this restaurant, I want to go here, I want to do that... A lot and a lot of plans spinning over my brain. I knew it's impossible to get all of them in reality in this two weeks of study break ( I call it as study break because I don't want myself to sink into the relax mood and never float up to the surface and revise for my final ) I utter to myself : " Michelle, just one more month to final and you're done with this, please get it right and let it be a glory phase in your life."  

Ahran cho: " You're not helping out our team at all! "  

Leslie: " Can I finish my sentence without you jumping in there every time I say something. " 

From master chef season 5, conversation between an 18 year-old young lady and an 56 year-old man.

 

How you feel when you listen this dialog? Will they turn up become foe or ally?  Out of the expectation, this two people who always bickering over each other become friend at last. She chosen him as a teammate, he was luckily to have she as a helper in the top 3 elimination test. She turned out respecting he as a senior, as a friend. Who said a cat and dog can't be alliance? Who said penguin can't meet polar bear? Who said cow must be couple with bull? 

Yes you're right! I used up my time to catch up with master chef out of all the plans. This couple of people draw my attention throughout the whole culinary process. 19 episodes and Ahran made it until the 9th place and Leslie competed in the war, with quarrels among him and the teammates, until the semifinal. He's a sophisticated and phenomenal cook, I shall said that. Despite that he's sinister smile and all those sarcastic sentences, he made himself shone in the competition. He nailed most of the dishes, from fillet to a New York cheese cake although he claimed that he never baked a sponge cake before that.

On the other hand, Ahran said something that truly inspired me when she left master chef as the top 9 cook. " I'm just 18, I made it to here and I'm happy with it. I am here to tell all the young people outside who aged same as me that don't fail to chase after their dream." She yelled, she cried, she terrified by the raw moving prawn in the water tank, she's the youngest cook in the competition but she strong. I adored her attitude in the competition, the heart of never giving up until the last and the determination in her soul. I am sharing the same age as she, but I can't even handle a nice sunny side up egg but she can come out with all those stunning and scrumptious dishes within one hour time and be the team leader of one round of the competition. I am ashamed of myself at the point of time. A young lady is standing on the world standard kitchen chasing after her dreaming and I am studying my ass off at the library everyday. But I knew those things can't make their way together and compare with each other, just like we can't compare a chicken wing with a chicken breast. Everyone has their very own dream to achieve for. As long as you are breathing in oxygen, you must return something to this world. Nailed something seriously, hammer the nail strongly, make it goes through the layers of wound, build a strong foundation, and dream will build up stand strong in this blue planet. Thrown all those petty things  that's unnecessary, fill up brain with pillar of positive power, keep moving, don't give up, success is not far from you. 

I hope that my words in this post will insired all the young people outside a little who is on their pathway of life. It the post trigger your thought, you're on the right path! Don't always jealous of other's superb achievement, make them envy of yours too. 

I will end my words here today. Good night and have a good rest. 

_szeyeeM 

Emeritus

"I have no regret. I have spent my life, so much of it, building up this country. There's nothing more than I need to do. At the end of he day, what I have got? A successful Singapore. What I have given up? My life." said the late Singapore's first prime minister, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. 

Hello fello reader, I'm here again instead of studying for my trial exam. ( I have my last paper tomorrow! ) Anyway, the death of Mr. Lee hit my core of heart and it brought my thought ups and downs. Although I'm not a Singaporean, I am a Malaysian who lives just beside Singapore separated by the customs. Despite, can't deny that the small little island which is smaller than a New York town have fully developed and turn from a British colony to now a prosper country with their own identity. Salute to this man who had brought Singapore out of Malaya during the year of 1965, and lead the country so well until today. We need to admit that he did a right decision to declare independence from Federal of Malaya. He made the country shone on the world map by the name of Singapore. 

It's not easy to bring up a family, nor a company, what to say to bring up a country. Mr. Lee meant to spend the whole life to his land. He used up his life to have meeting with British man, thinking of how to turn the status of country to a higher one. He hold on his vows. If you have been to Singapore, you will love the place for sure. A place surrounded by greenery, a place which is rubbish-free, a place which everyone treat you politely. Yes, this is all founded by the late. 

" work until you no longer need to introduce yourself." 

This sentence hit my thought strongly. Who don't know Mr. Lee as the first prime minister of Singapore? If there's a day, I do not need to do a simple introduction " hello my name is Michelle..." and people will automatically come to me and call out my name involuntary, that's mean I have a little success in my life. I hope I can achieve that one day,  to appreciate by other with honour because of my contributions to a country or to the world. I'm just like a tiny sand on the desert, like a discrete particle among all the photons in the air. I don't born to be perfect, but I born to be someone. I'm building up an awesome castle and I'm the planner, the architect, the designer. And till the end of my life, I can welcome people to step into my castle proudly. Yes, it's good to have a dream in life. But dream without action is just like a pool with water. By your little actions day by day, castle may be getting bigger and stand still on the earth, provided with a good foundation. 

You can't be perfect, because being perfect, you have no chance to improve and you're not Him. You not need to be perfect. Being a perfectionist for something is alright. But if being perfect make your life harder, why no just have some flaws to make it more interesting? A glass without slashes  is beautiful, but a mirror with some scratches prove it's history. Instead of weeping and sheding tear everyday, why not to live like a sunflower, growing toward the sun and bring hope to the surrounding? Flaws and mistakes knocked someone down at the point of time, but remember to stand up after some time and rebuild the castle. No matter how sulphur dioxide is going to corrode the castle, you as the architect must take action to rebuild it and to preserve it until the last second you inhale oxygen.

Respect life, live life. Your life will turn up to respect and cherish by other one day. Like how Singaporeans are paying tribute to Mr. Lee. I want to make my last day of life in the Earth like him. 

I believe in " Be quite, let success make noise." 

Send my deep consolation and tribute to Mr. Lee, the legend. 

_szeyeeM 

Eternity

. "Stay eternity"

What come across your mind when this word appeared in front of you? A person, an incident or a love story? Love sealed for eternity in somebody life. An indefinitely friendship. A last long kind of memory. An unbreakable sensation... Do thing last forever. I doubt so when it come across friendship. Friend zone built up, it breaks sometime, it maintain till the end of your life the another way round. Different people own a definition of friendship. Some of you seem it as a beneficial tool to fix yourself into a better one, or as a ladder to climb higher, as a bridge to cross over a river, as a tower to see a more breathtaking view. Contrary, one' will take it as a promise or an honor. They planted their sincerity as part of the companionship. They put in their time to built up a robust and still foundation for the acquaintanceship. I hated people who invest a friendship and start to get interest every month like what bank did. 

From the day you decide to go onto this ship together with he/she, do respect it as an important part of your life. Isn't something that you can take it and just throw it away like a Barbie doll when you don't want. As mentioned, treat it as though it's an affiance. You not need to give a sweet long sentence to promise this relationship, what you need to do is just show an action that you cherish it. 

"Noting will stay in life forever."

I admitted that I am kind of people who like socializing. I can just smile and started a conversation with a stranger when I walk in college. Or I can just wave and say hi with you and I assumed that we are acquaintance. My definition of friend is as easy as what we written in an academic essay: " Friends are those who tapped you on shoulder when you're at the verge of life. Friend is the one who shine you a flash light when you're in a dark cave." But, friends come and leave, soundly.  I want to make it stagnant but I can't. 

"Can it last longer?"

I received an conditional offer from University of Bath to study a BcShonor of    Architecture last few days. I thank God for His Iove towards me. He shone an effulgence to my life, like a star glimpsing in dark. Feeling appreciate at first few seconds, I felt upset later. This fresh stage of life will bring a brand new me. Being a freshman in university and even a country is not easy. The dilemmas I need to come across are out of my expectation. From a meet up after months with my bestie until a gathering just during special occasions such as fridn's wedding dinner, his 21th birthday celebration... I don't want thing to be like this. I knew this will happen. "Distance can prove how strong a friendship is, but it can also show how fragile it's." As a typical nerdy, I don't think I will spend a significant time to have a skype call with my friends or a long whatsapp conversation during study time. I will rather choose to sleep my head off in the fluffy bed or go for a hang out at the city beside. But this come with condition, if you're someone who is important in my life, yes, it's true that I will spend my time sitting down in front of the webcam, listening to your problems or feeling your happiness over there for hours...

"Thing might change when time pass" 

I hope the bond between us is a disulphide bond but not van de waals force. 

_szeyeeM