Begun

Standing on the starting point waiting for the judge to commence the start, I can't do anything but wait and pray. I hope I can do a perfect sprint or an excellent 1200 m run. In return, I made my parent proud.

Drawing on a piece of A5 paper, waiting for the moment of the last painting part and have a look with what I want to convey through the art. I hope my voice can transfer well via my art piece, wishing that people will understand and appreciate.

Sitting in the exam unit, I start my first scribble and writing. I utter a silent prayer every time before the exam, hoping that God can read my mind and made my hard work returned. Until now, I am grateful to what I have achieve because this is His meant. I am blessed for every single achievement in my life, and the countless supports from my family and friends.

Soon, I will be heading to the international airport, begin my very first "trip" to oversea without my parent for three years. Despite calling it a study trip, I hope it's a memorable life lesson. Maybe I might be missing home and family for the first few months, I guess I can deal with it well. Because I start to love the life just by the university application phase. To my friends who I never mention when I am going to leave, I give my apologise. I didn't hope that airport flood with tears during the day but I will keep all yours laughters in my mind when the moment I miss you guys. To my family who worry about me so much, after three years of degree, I will prove that I have grow up. You maybe worry for the first few days, but please just stop there. I will be extremely good.

"Tell me when you can't continue. You can come back anytime, we won't blame on you."

This tug my heartstrings. I knew that my parents are super worry about their baby girl who going to leave in a few days time. I knew that they don't want me to leave so soon. Everything strikes in a sudden, they are not mentally prepared. But even a cub will leave their parents when growing up, why not us human? The difference between these two was that human has a sense of missing but animals do not have. Maybe they have but we don't know. This time, I am sailing on a ship that may be travelling to a place far away from home, half an earth maybe? But I will come back one day, at the moment, I am an architect.

Three days to the day I will leave this lovely country. You may be missed, till the day I come back.

_szeyeeM

Full stop

 It's an end. Real end of the 1.5 years college's life.

Still remember how we meet up and form a class during the first day? I would say 1401 group 2 is the best thing I have met in my 1.5 years of college time. There's no egoless and jealousy among us. There's competition, but is a mutualism. Thanks to the presence of 24 of you in this class, maybe we won't be met around after this, but I genuinely grateful for anything that happened. The countless night that we spent in the learning hub struggling for our semester exam, the hundreds of zapfan (economic rice) that we have, the couple of hang out  to Sunway that we have after some important exam...... All this have truly carved in my mind, nothing else can replace my 18 years old memories beside this. 

"Two line will intercept, sparking, and separate again but the spark is there to prove the memory."   

11 August 2015 

A life change event happened. I told myself, it's a judgement day, a day of future judgement. "Life changed, miracles happened." Miracles do happened, I never thought I can score such a result in my A level. Unlike revealing of AS result, we are together to witness our hard work. This time, we hide in each of our room and click into the website by 1pm. Yes, we made it to our respective dream. Crying and screaming for our result, and future decision have to make. Without hesitation, JPA students have their chance to continue study at UK without any financial problem. I have my own worries. After all the emotional hours, i made my mind to study at Australia. Although it is definitely no the thing I want, thinking for the whole, I need to do this. Parents will never know how hard I fight for a place in the prestigious university that I longing for a long time, don't how many liter of tears have cried off to give up my dream. 

"Something is meant to be a dream to leave it a wonderland." 

Perhaps now I will regret of my choice, or I might not give up so easily for something that I hold on for such a long time. Reality strike in unnoticeable, I can't accept but I need to. 

Exactly one week after the result day,  I have thought a lot. I knew how cruel life is. It will not be as round as a circle, it will not be go with the flow all the time, it will be some friction along the way, but as long as I kept the faith, things may turn up great. I am blessed for what I have obtain. But the kiasu-ness inside every Asian's mindset bring all my happiness down once. They will compare A with A* although A is good enough. 90 marks to 99 marks although both are A*. What is the point to live under the unstoppable comparison?  I tapped myself on the shoulder and utter, " you have tried your best, how bad or how good people want to judge you is not include in your life. If they like to judge, let them be the judger. You live your own life." 

Dream is not necessarily to be real. If it took a great return, then it's time to think about reality and give up some of it. It's will not only come in a way, lower down the eye sight and you will see something different.

_szeyeeM

Aid

I'm not narcissism or saying something exaggerate. I can say that I am a kind-hearted person. Looking at the old lady beside the road walking aimlessly, I will jump down from the car and land a hand to her if condition allowed. Looking at an aged uncle eating at mamak stall alone without accompaniment of children, deep of my heart I wish to sit beside him and have a chat with him. I knew that how helpless they will be when they are strolling at the roadside or sitting alone hoping that their child will be beside them. 

Not regretting to be a first aider of St. John ambulance Malaysia since I'm in Sec 1 until now. Be a first aider, life rescuer, the things that you get from it is not money, but something that can't buy by using the dollars that you have - sense of happiness and accomplishment. You will never know how your small little action can affect a fragile life. A warm smile and greets to the casualties can actually pull their heartstrings. That's the reason why I am still wearing my uniform, going for duties without feeling of giving up this 'job'. It's no longer a CCA for me, it's a source of happiness, a candle to bright up others' life. Candle might burn up themselves, but for a good deed. Then why not to be a candle than a lighter? At least when you leave the world, there's thing that you proud of yourself. 

Being a first aider or a doctor, a nurse, the paramount principle is not only how much of theories that you have gained throughout the seven or eight years of studies, but a heart of gold, a heart that willing to help others without caring their status, religious, or the money that they will pay you. When doing a surgery, the only aim is to safe patient's life. When giving a course of medicines, doctor hope that the patient can have a speedy recovery. 

I have a dream to be an architect, but being a voluntary first aider will be my pass time. When you believe in how much you give to the society, God will give you the same thing as you gave, then the whole thing that you are doing is going to be priceless. 

Give a salute to the nurses and doctors out there, because they are fighting at the fine line between death and live. 

_szeyeeM 

Feeling

If one day I fail to smile, it's because you start to give me a very bad temper first. 

If one day I fail to reply your words, it's because you are busy with your phone but not me. 

If one day I start to think of want to get out of this house, it's because I can't feel warmness and happiness of a house anymore. 

If one day I start to think of die instantly, it's not because I'm done with my future, it's because I give up on my current life and people around me. 

If one day I catch my beg and walk out of this house without hesitation, it's because I'm tired of being alone in the house; I can't feel the care anymore. 

If one day I shout at you with my whole energy, it's the time I can't hold my thought anymore.

I tend to keep things to myself, I try to settle down every single stuff by myself because I don't want to be a burden for you. But sometime, I'm not big enough to settle down something, I need your help but what you have give me? Yes. No doubt you buy me things that I wish for. Nevertheless, did you know that the most I want is an hour of dinner time with you all, a simple ten minutes conversation, a trip without technology... 

I try to persuade myself that you are busy with work, you got no time to be with me, but what about the fifteen minute journey back to house everyday? 

_szeyeeM

Encounter

"A goodbye is for a better hello."

How if the next hello won't come in a short while, I hope we won't separate so far away. God put use together but separate us with a distance mean something? Perhaps I won't be so close to you and miss you so much if I'm  living next door to you.

Making a promise on the next date is hard, because I don't want to take it as a granted. It's not the reason that I scare I have not time to go for the next date, but I afraid that I'm not around any more. A promise is heavy, if you care, I know. I don't want myself to look forward a meet up and at last everything pull down.

I'm glad and bless for meeting you in life. Being a friend, to a best friend and a soul mate. I am sure that you know me to a higher level although we're not sticking together everyday, not chatting everyday, I'm sure you stalked me daily.(?) Being a best friend of mine is not easy, I'm not a very-easy-tolerate and easy going people. I can go mad in any second of time, I will not bother about you when you really do something over my limit. But luckily we're still fine now. I cherish time to stay together with you because even when we're not talking, the atmosphere is not weird and I'm not squeezing my brain juice to think of what to talk for the next second in order to break the silence. You're like a mum, a big sister of mine, you're not mentioning but I know you worried that I got my gastric pain again during famine 30. Forcing me to eat agin and again just to make sure I'm alright, but I hold on to my principle. To make you feel assured, I try hard not to mention about how pain I'm during the camp because I want everything go fine. I'm not someone who like to bring trouble to people, as you know. Encounting you in my life, I consider myself a lucky one. 

I'm playing with my phone when I'm walking, eating just because I'm bored. You're with your own stuff and I don't feel like disturbing all that. Haha. You said that we're talking but not chatting. But I sincerely hope that, one day we can sleep in one bed chatting deep into heart. You kept asking me when will I going oversea study in every meet up that we had throughout the year, but my answer is always the same- I don't know. Actually the offer letter was already laid in my mail box, how can I don't know about that? I hate the moment when we need to say goodbye, for a really long time of not meeting up. Maybe a year or a couple of years. I choose to not let you know and so that I can go off soundly. You will hate me for a moment, but I want you to remember how crazy I'm when im around but not the crying face when we're hugging in the airport sending me off. Let the date remain unknown and I can go without a tear rolling down across the cheeks. 

To my best friend, I'm blessed to have you, although we're apart but we're together. 

_szeyeeM

Understanding

I like to lying on my bed doing nothing but I knew I need to get up and do something. 

I like to spend my day playing piano but not the stupid basic scales again and again. 

I like to draw and send card but just for those who are important to me.

I like to have a great long chat with you but just if you're super close to me or not I will try to end our conversation as fast as possible. 

I like to travel alone because I dislike the unpunctual attitude and I am not that kind of people who will yield your negativity. But it's different story if you're best friend of mine.

I like to hang around and take photo of nature because I believe in creation on God.

I dislike people to yell at me when I'm doing something wrong instead of telling me the right one.

I dislike people to higher their volume in a chat as if they want to start a fight. 

I like harmonious, simple, joyful life. 

But you will never know. I'm going on my way, sailing my own sail. One day, when you're increasing your volume and I no longer reply you, it's the day I give up on the conversation. I knew that if I keep go the chat, I will probably commence a quarrel, I don't want that to happen. I prefer you to tell me in a softer way, I will keep your words in my mind if you did that. Parent. 

Tomorrow daddy is going to US. I call family out for a supper not because I'm hungry. Everytime when daddy was going for an oversea business trip since MH 370 aviation accident happened, I scared that that will be the last time I say good bye with my daddy. I catched every chance to communicate and take the time with daddy before the flight just to not let me regret later. Dad called me out for a mamak session last day but I refused to. I took the initiative to compensate the refuse last night. Nevertheless, what brothers and mum did are playing and taking their own sweet time with the phones.

 HELLO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST RESPECT A BIT? 

I cherish the time with you guys, but I think is just only me who seem this important. 

You don't know the meaning of every actions of mine. Fine. 

Reader, sorry if this article offense you again but this is the best way I can voice out my feeling without much people knowing. 

_szeyeeM 

Happiness

It can be as simple as the smile on your grandparent's face because you bought an Mc Donald's sundae chocolate for them.

It can be as hard as loving one person but you can't feel their breath and heartbeats. 

It can be as complex as traveling around the world, bring your soul into the country and you no longer get over it. 

It is an illusion, hard to get but easy to feel it if you enjoy things which are happening. 

It is like a photo, you can't capture an exact same one after that but you can keep the photo now and forever. 

Catch the second. 

Why not to take a family portrait when everyone is still around? For the sake of remembrance. Why not to show the love to parent and grandparent when they are still with you and can communicate with you with their wise words and their life's experience? Just for the sake of not to regret after they are no longer there for us. Why not to wake up one hour earlier to enjoy the gigantic sunrise? Although there will be another one tomorrow, who know what will happen on the next minute? Catch every moment of God's creation, for the sake of yourself. Why not to book an airplane ticket to travel oversea, to enjoy their culture and the different atmosphere on their motherland, with family or with the best friends? Just for the sake of exploring and experiencing life. 

Being happy deep from heart is not easy. The girl in front of you is smiling brightly, but can you see what is happening deep inside the soul? You can't. Nobody is as transparent as a glass. Reading one people mind is hard, even if you're a psychologist. Nobody is as crystal clear as the Great Ocean. Knowing what intention of ones approaching you is extremely hard. You don't know there's a killing knife or a helping hand.

Being naive is not wrong, but it's a little hard to survive in world nowadays. Be a bad guy with an angel's heart perhaps?



What is happiness?
 Happiness is_______ ( clearly defined by yourself )

_szeyeeM