Boundary

Parents, 

Home is no longer a place that can give me happiness. It's just a shelter. 

I used to describe to my friend I have a wonderful pair of parents who are just like a sun to my life, like a star in the dark.  On this point of life, I feel like what I have told my friends is merely my imaginary. I don't know if it's an obligation for parents to know their children, to go into their children's heart and look what's going on, go along with them throughout the dilemmas, facing the problem together with them, support them and give them limitless love. I knew you guys are busy earning money to secure our future. I didn't blame you guys for not sitting down and following our pace of life, for not being my side when I need you guys the most, for not listening to me when I'm helpless and I can't find a people to talk, for not supporting me when I need a simple good luck in facing problems, for continuously looking down and pouring cold water at me for whatever I think I can, for not knowing how high and how hard the trial that I just sit for, for not know how many sleepless hours I went through before every exam and for not knowing how happy I'm when I get a conditional offer from prestigious university that everyone desire to go. I know that I am big enough to take up life by my own. 

I know my responsibility is to study hard, to get a scholarship and go further study with my own capability. But I failed, I need to ask for your financial support. I forgive you for not knowing how I survive in hostel every single day by just study and no anything else because I never told you. I forgive you for consistently asking me to apply for other unis with a lower entry requirement because in your mind, I can't even get a straight A result. Yes, it was my fault for being stupid and useless among my friends, among the family members. I didn't get to prove myself for the past examinations. I didn't score well. I didn't make you proud because of having me as your child. I feel I'm more like a burden for you at this moment. You cried because of me. But, can you just give me another chance to prove myself that I can do it without your support? Just once, please parents. 

When you consistently asking me about uni stuff but not offer a help for me. I try to get everything done by my own. I knew you're busy and got no time to deal with all these petty stuff of mine. I tried hard but I am really tired at some point of time. What I need is just a simple consoles from you but you fail to give me. It's okay. I try to get across the havoc and stand up by myself. I try to be as stress- free as I could everytime when I go back home. I don't want you to worry about me meanwhile thinking of how to settle something more important than this. I have push myself to limit, but you try to push me down the cliff.

Remember the call that you rang me, telling me about trial result is posted to home and you saw it. The call disrupted halfway. It's not because of the connection problem, is me who hang it off. I need time to settle down myself, to wipe off my tears, and continue the conversation. Because I don't want you to know that I am crying, I don't want you to know that actually I care so much about the result also. 

I keep reminding myself everyday that, in my life, at least once, I must make my parent truly proud of me. I must be a star shone brightly in the sky and guiding you in the dark.

Parents, sorry for being a trouble in your life but not an angel that bring happiness and glory to you. I admit I failed as a daughter. 

However, I thank God to place me in this family, to be your child, but I just want to be a bit greedy to ask for a little more warmness from the family. 

Sorry. 

By, 

Failed daughter. 

Lost

She cried. She tend to overthink. 

Sometime, I felt things have changed a lot during this one year when I'm not around home so frequently. 

I started to think that is it because of me.

He changed. He became a cranky grumpy man. 

I don't know what have changed. 

Is it because I start to grow up, I realized a lot of petty details? 

I asked myself, is this a process of growing up? Or this is just happen on me? 

In the tranquil night, when I was doing my A levels past year question, a thought of commit suicide flow into my brain. I can felt that all this changes in my house is because of me. I am more like a trouble creator now. I can't feel the meaning of my breath. I can't feel myself standing on this earth. I unable to bring happiness for my family, but dilemma. Doesn't it to be a little angle at home an obligation of kid? I loss my direction. Originally, I am not like this. I try to wear a smiley face mask when I go back home, just to let them know that I'm alright at college without the caring of them. But, things don't go like this. Even when I try to communicate with my family members, they have showed an attitude that they have no time to be with me. I tried hard to bond with them but I failed. I have a very naive thaught that, I just need to concentrate in my study, I just need to pass my exams with flying colour, I just need to get an conditional offer from university, and the rest my parent with back me up. But I'm wrong again. I need to keep all the problems to me and forever with me. 

I start to think that I'm a disaster for the family. I am useless. But I just want to be myself. Back to myself. The ambitious one. The happy one. But I can't do this any longer. I feel more stupid day by day. I loss all my confident of being a student. Even I try to work harder and harder, the people beside me seem to go further every second in a higher speed. The people who supposed to run across the finishing line with me left me behind, left me running alone. Yes, I get an conditional offer from University of Bath to continue my tertiary study oversea as an architecture student. At the instant, I'm overjoyed. I thought my life have changed. I can get into a prestigious university and can continue the rest of my study life over there. But I think a bit too little. I don't know that the problem arose since the day I told my parents that I got an conditional offer from Btah. I blame  myself every time for being unable to score a 9A* in SPM and ruined everything. I hate myself even more when I can't get a scholarship from NGO company and secure my future. And all I have for now is nothing. 

I am just like a handicap without my stick and my wheelchair now. 

I leave every decision to god, I hope that He can give me a little courage to go through this awful plight.

 

_szeyeeM 

Phosphene

Phosphene : (n) the light and colour produced by rubbing your eyes. 

How wonderful the word presenting in it own way. I knew you are trying to rub your eye now to get these wonderful spot of colours appear in your line of sight. This is a natural phenomenal, is something that we can't control. When you want to cheer yourself up with the tiny colorful spots, but your eyes failed you. When you don't want it to happend and block your sight, it appeared. Things always happend out of our expectation in life, either you ready to catch it or you let it slides after your palm. If you refused to accept the truth when it already come in front of you, you crowned yourself as a coward. Facing the reality isn't scary, the scariest part is to know the consequences of running away from actuality. This is God means to let it happend, just catch the ball and figure it out what it look like. Don't always build a high wall in your heart and block the ball from reaching your hand. It's just like losing a chance. Losing an opportunity to change a life , to transform the current situation. The moment you reject the ball, it bounced back to others hand. Is this worth? Why not just take a couple of bricks down from the wall, let the ball falls in and see what's happening? 

Phosphene appeared, it blur your sight in one second, and it goes off. Somebody come into our life just in one hour time, or perhaps one day, but some stay until the end. You don't know who is going to stay and leave, you can't read their mind. Nevertheless, holding their hands and thoughts when they're still beside you,spending time to know them. Meanwhile, they will start to change their mind to stay alongside you. Do not slam the door shut and locked yourself in a non-light penetrating room. Day by day, light intensity getting lesser and lesser, darkness approaches, and you can no longer feel the colour and cheerful atmosphere around you. Always hold the key in your hand, unlock the door when necessary. Maybe friends are waiting you outside the door, waiting to give you a warm lovely hug, waiting to go for a road trip with you, waiting to spend his time with you. Give them a chance, give yourself too.  

 

I have been currently sit my ass off preparing for the final A levels exam. The result is a passport to future, I knew that. By realizing that, I strated to shut myself up in the room, filled my brain with all the knowledge that I have to know, refuse to interact with people. I scared when I opened the door, went over the fences, i can't control myself anymore. I have forced myself, give myself all the motivations and power to study throughout the weeks. I don't want the hard work fade off just like this. I CANT LET THIS HAPPEND. This is regarding my future. Praying to god, wanting Him give me the pillar of power to continue the journey. I feel bad to my family, my friends, for my inconsistent temper. I stressed up all the way. World war is happening in my brain and I have no weapon to fight against the enemies. I try to collect the weapons, but I realize that I start to run away, leaving all my alliance behind. I tell myself, this cannot go further. Turn back, pick up whatever you have and continue the war until the end of the day.  Cheer for your victory with all the teammates.  Open th door, let the fresh air in, take a deep breath, and move forward. Destination is not far away from the point you stepped. 

_szeyeeM