humble experience

Who will ever think of the scenario of their first internship? Internship for me was a very important learning curve. Most of the people agreed that intern job scope was just to help out in trivial things when the stuff needed a hand, but not to handle certain tasks by himself.  Intern also seldom get paid; they proclaimed you as a professional unpaid worker. I was told by my friends not to have my internship in my own country as they know the "market" of an intern in Malaysia. Also why not to get a chance to have an internship in the UK when I have already studied there? Those questions appear in my mind more than once when I decided to look for an internship back home. I knew in between UK and Malaysia internship, I will definitely go back to where I belong if there's a chance.

Therefore, I ended up in a Malaysia architecture firm called ZLG. (Try to google it to find some down to earth architectures.) It never dissapoint me and have totally changed my impression towards internship in Malaysia ( or maybe I am just the lucky one to be in a great company?)  

To everyone I have encountered throughout this couple of months, thank you. 

I have never imagined how an open office looks like, besides the Apple office that I have come across online. ZLG was a great example of how an open office works. It was a small firm, less than 10 employers. Nothing sad about that when you get to communicate with each of your colleagues every day, having lunch with together, having a group meeting which might include everyone in the office. No hierarchy, director may be sitting side by side with you and discussing the smallest detail of the project and guiding you how to proceed; clearly portraiting a role of a leader. I am a girl who afraid of troubling people, but they were so friendly in the way that I will never afraid to consult them when I don't understand certain things. It might be a very easy thing for them, but for me, it was a key to the entire new world and I am grateful for them in helping me to slowly unlocking the tasks. 

The learning curve was intense, never reached a plateau.

I come into the office hoping I can learn something to improve my project and architecture career. And yes, I earned them, humbly. The learning curve was intense, never reached a plateau. Learning how to use AutoCAD in a faster way, how to utilise Sketchup in a good way, how to organise things, how a project borns from zero to a whole structure standing on earth, how to communicate with each other and how an office protocol works. I bet I will still a naive architecture student sitting in the studio doing line drawings and some fake renders if I never immerse myself in the real working atmosphere before graduating. However, I am extremely thankful for directors and colleagues in consistently believing in my ability and giving me tasks, architecture related tasks. I am blessed for what ZLG has implanted in me, everything. 

As long as you are working hard, God will do something for you. 

I am just an intern, and I have felt how intense this career will be, especially when there's deadline (deadline means a date to propose the project to the client in return to earn some money from them) I have no reason to complain about how dreadful it is, because there is sense of accomplishment every day when I go back from the office. Maybe I am still a freshman in the field. But this was the main reason why I choose to study architecture after undertaking a science stream syllabus for my entire study life before university: architecture provides flexibility. What colleagues have portrayed to me was not the tough part of the job but how successful they are in overcoming each of the dilemmas. Everything will get its way out when the time comes, provided you work for it. 

Working 9-6 was just a line on the official contract, they basically work 24/7. Emails from clients, contractors, directors, colleagues hit you every second. Never ending fixing of the AutoCAD drawing until the last tile lays on the building. Making hundred of phone calls chasing for a drawing from engineers, looking for a sample material...

my internship team was cooler than yours. 

"Though summer 2017 was not spent at the beach or the jungle, 

eating good foods, taking nice pictures, I earned this in return. 

Two months wasn't long for an internship but the experiences I gained were precious and priceless. From the first day of being so awkwardly sitting in the office until I get to fit in so well, luckily it never takes long. Thank you for offering me such a great first working experience, treating me like a real architect; 

I am blessed. 

Thank you ZLG fam; Huat, Su, Kamen, Lily, Megan, Brylle, Yizhi, Viktor, Carlos. You guys have been amazing. Thanks for keeping the door opens for me, I'll be back, hopefully. 

30.8.17, signing off, Michelle."

For yourself, to yourself

Giving you an example here, being raised in an Asian family, it is annoying to go back to a family gathering sometimes because there are always these few relatives who are being so 'kiasu' (always waiting to fight for first), asking around about your results and how you perform in school if they have children who are still studying or have people already found an excellent partner if they are in their adulthood and it is the time to set into another phase of life. It is annoying, isn't it? I doubt if this happens in the west, or where is this culture coming from and stays in the bone of all the Asian aunties (we call everyone else on the street aunty and uncle).

I have a lovely family from my mother side who we always keep in touch with, who I will automatically update them about my daily life and milestones. I feel that they really care about me. Moreover, things get a bit different for the father side. We seldom get in touch with each other and therefore the bond between us are weak, weak enough for me not to have a chat with them till the day I go back to their house and still do not know how to roll on a conversation. There are always awkward moments. They are very selfish in my eyes. Especially when coming to their children's result, very 'kiasu' of them. I knew where I stand and I know I have achieved some things which make my parents proud enough to announce it in front of them, nonetheless, I will just keep quiet when they proudly showing off to me how good their children are in school, which always seems to be normal for me. I am not being arrogant but what they have done get on my nerves. Deep down in me I knew what we have done are much more than them, but I am too tired to explain everything; it is just way too much when I want to get the story start.

Sharing joys to others was a kind of happiness, but when it goes over the line, things will just turn out bad. Know where is the limit, because there is always a boundary between people.  At the end of the day, you will choose to keep everything to yourself, because when it starts to flow to others people's mouth, the story will alter a bit, anyway how. Not being selfish this time but to save us the hustle, the energy used up for the unnecessary competitions and arguments. You know the best where you are standing, have faith in yourself and not depending your life on their words, it is all bullshit, defining yourself by your own word and write a good story out of that.

Second.

Submitted my design portfolio, technology and environment assignment and writing portfolio last Friday which symbolised the freedom for an architecture student who has been trapped in the studio for the last nine months. I saw the shadow of home, again.

The second year was not a tough one for me; but I have learnt a lot frankly, from my peers, and the tutors. I have been falling down and stood up beautifully, have been lost confidence to myself and then gain it back slowly, have been wonder about am I excellent enough to handle this, have been judging myself if I am hardworking enough to be an architecture student. A lot of things float on the surface and I knew myself more from there. Obstacles along the way cheer me up to be a better one, the grades which never reached my expectation pushed me to put more efforts in what I was doing.

I love the vibrant of the class because everyone was in a good position and create a positive competition among us. The range of creativity found within us have encouraged me to think out of the box more frequently, compare to when I am studying in the first year or back home. I shall say I think more like a westerner now, more critical thinking happening in the brain and more opinions on others' works. It was a great improvement though.

The ending of the second year continues with the four months of summer break. Full of plans. Internship, voluntary works, catching up with friends, have a great dinner with family...and some time for myself. Lecturer wants us to read more, sketch more and think more to prepare ourselves for the third year. Wow, the third year sounds scary for me, it might be a comma for my study life; I want it to be an outstanding one.

Still remember September 2015, I was still so new to the studio and lost myself in the architecture terms. And now, I manage to function Rhinoceros (a design software) pretty well and understand what is the meaning of massing study and facade. Cheers to the second year and I am on my way to prepare myself to graduate with a first.

Studio Portfolio (Stair and AirBnB design)

Technology and Environment assignment 

(comparing Lyric theatre Belfast and Queen's Film Theatre Belfast)

signed off, 

second-year Michelle. 

In your twenties

From the previous post, I have mentioned I am heading to a backpack solo trip to Netherland and Germany. And, yes, I have survived that and returned to the UK with tons of memories and life worth experience. There're pros and cons for a girl to travel alone. Nonetheless, the benefits will definitely overweight the shortcomings. I met a lot of people who help me along my way, who thank you weren't enough to show my gratitude towards them.

I will point out a few great things about having solo traveling when you are in your twenties.

Your body condition was at its peak point.  You own the biggest asset of travel, your legs, and eyes. Fully utilise them when they are still able to. Don't complain about how far you are going to travel by foot throughout the day; in return, you will appreciate every step that you have gone through to the amazing sceneries. The process was the one which celebrates the joy at the end of the day. Keep taking photos with your camera was a way of remembering the journey, but don't forget to witness the breath-taking view with your own eyes, which is priceless. Camera capture the moments mechanically, eyes capture them emotionally. So, take good care of your body, because it will be the only things that accompany you for these few decades. 

You are still in the stage to explore. Like a baby, you are still new to the society. You are interested in everything that you see, you want to explore it, give it a go. "Those moments you regret is those which you never try." With an acceptable range, go and try out things, get out of your box. If you never go to a pub before this, put on your party dress and have a hang out with your friends, take a sip of the cocktail, and dance with the rhythm of the music. Don't be afraid to blend yourself in the atmosphere. When you are traveling, it is the best time to understand the culture of a city. Thus, why no to just step forward to have a small chat with the locals. Believe me, they are happy to share with you their city. I met a dutch lady when I am traveling in Amsterdam, I requested her to take a photo of mine with the canal. She was with her bike. Of course, she offered me to take a photo with the canal and her bike and tell me the story of the trees along the canal. Then give me some travel tips.We have a ten minutes chat and then she left to her home. Traveling alone, you need a little bit of courageous.

You still have the time to do so. My parents portrait a typical working life, they have shown me how hard to achieve the position that they are standing now. The time and dedication they spend towards working were far from what I can imagine. Mum always told me, "go to have a look at the world when you have the time, I (mum) do not even have time to go to the cafe nearby and enjoy a carefree afternoon tea." "Those who do not travel read only a page of the book." Time -  the biggest enemy for everyone, it will never stop tickling because you are slowing down.

You already have the skills to survive. Believe that god has already implanted something in you. It was an infinite thing and waiting for you to explore it. Knowledge of technology will be extremely helpful and I have assumed the younger generation definitely familiar with the technology, even the basic one will help. Applications like Travel Sygic, Google Trip, Google Map, you name it, were something easy enough to access and get a hand on it.  What you need to do is to do some researches before you go, or even just get a map when you arrive at the destination and go intuitively. "Hi, hello, can you help me, thank you" were the universal words which yet a non-english speaker will understand you.  If things get worst, sign language will positively work as well.

Therefore, there is no reason for you not to go on a solo trip, even once in the lifetime is great enough. Don't say those who travel are rich, they just choose to spend their money on travel instead of buying an LV bag. They might simply choose to use up they entire saving to exchange with a chance to step into their dreamland. Everyone's meaning of life is different, define yours wisely from today, and ultimately, write an eye-catching definition to the world when they day you leave.

At least, I have ticked off an important point in my bucket list - to travel alone in Europe for a week in my twenties.

To experience, to explore

For you who are also studying or working aboard. 


"It supposed to be hard because by that no one can replicate it." A quote that I noted down from a short video from facebook.

It has been a while since I last update myself. I am back to the UK to continue my year 2 study and it is almost an end with the finish of my semester 2 project. Just to rant a little here, I doubt myself a lot sometime, I lost confidence in myself, I wonder the hard work that I have done; will it gets payback? Anyway, I believe that God had arranged everything and will give us the chance if you tried, maybe not now, but someday.

Done with the updating part. Let's talk about the courage to explore life today. I have bought a flight ticket to Amsterdam and Cologne, departing next week - a backpack solo trip. I will say this is hard for me because backpacking in Europe countries alone is not that safe after all. There were plenty of bad news that bombarding the social media nowadays. Nonetheless, it never kills my intention to go out and explore the world, by myself. Always wanting to cross the "solo backpack trip" in my to-do-list and I knew that the 20-year old me can already do that. Parents are worried about this so much as they keep telling me to find a partner for the trip, but daddy mummy, I just want to go all out alone to know how far I can go without the help of others, to experience the feeling that I have not got a chance to do so, to have a stroll with my soul. I am good to go now, from booking a hostel to planning the schedules of the trips; I have done enough of preparation and ready to grab my backpack and have a try with it. A lot of my friends are telling me it is not a good choice to travel in the city of drugs, sex and bicycle. But I will then update them with the wonderful experience and people I meet there after next week.

Nothing to worry, let me go. I may seem to be like a girl who cannot take care of myself when I am around you, but you never know what I have done throughout this two years for me to survive in this country which is a totally new place for me at first. The courage and faith that God have implanted in me are infinite. Even I need to explore and fully utilise them, how can you judge me then?

"A person who never travel only read one page." A very classic quote that I have been holding on. In each of the trips, I learnt a lot, communicating with my travel companions, asking for help with the locals, bookings for good accommodation deals, reading a map......a lot a lot, which you may not have the chance to experience if you are still staying in your comfort zone. My mum always tells me, go if you still have the chance to do so. I am thankful for my parents, who are always in the same boat with me no matter what I did, where I go, and with their supports, I can go even further.

Two years in the UK, travelling around seven cities, and the eighth solo trip coming soon. The excitement in me is flooding up the fear. I have to say that I have so used to doing things alone when I start studying aboard. It is not the matter of how many friends I have here, it just can't come to a deal after all, and what I need to do is to go ahead by myself, because my idea is too difficult for them to handle sometime, or is just me.

Anyway, do it when you are still able to. Because after all, it is all for the pride of yourself. Don't let regrets hit you hard later on, twenty-year-old can be a fantasy age which everything is still unsure and you can still give it a try and fail.

Michelle.

Dearest best friend

Hello Liew Lee Mei,


It has been a long time since I last update my blog and this is a post that I suppose to write when the time we last meet up.

Still remember it's 22 September 2016. It's 2017 now. You are officially 21.

The memories still so clear in my mind, all the things that we did together during that Thursday, from the minute you reach my house till the second you drove away from my gate. I hope time will just stop at there and doubt why God want to arrange two people from such a far place to intersect together and become the good friend at the end. Thanks for coming all the way from KL to here although you know that your mum will be angry when the time she knew you drove so far. Thanks for accompanying me to the place I like the most back to hometown before the day I go back to the UK. Thanks for bearing with me when I drove into the wrong path to the beach although I drove to the place up to thousands time, but we have lots of fun on the car right? Actually, I cherish the time so much because we rarely own the time to sit down like this and have a great chat about how are we doing now. Thanks for going to the restaurant I love the most. Thanks for everything happening on that day. You know what I meant. Please, come here again if you have the time and the day when your mum allows you to drive this far. I am looking for more of our adventures no matter in Malaysia or all over to UK or Europe. I am always ready to go to the world with you because I knew at the end, you will still be by my side. 謝謝你好朋友， 希望很快就能見到你。


6th January 2017.

You were turning 21 and again I did not have a chance to celebrate with you. Haha but the WhatsApp call consider one? I have a shock when all of your friends actually knew who I am when the time I call you. And then I knew how important I am. (awhh) I don't actually help you to celebrate your birthday before beside the one when you are 19. Hopefully, your friends have given you a memorable birthday! Sincerely hope that I can invite you to my 21 birthday this year and you will be there.  Happy 21th once again, liew lee mei. Thanks your mum for bringing you to this world and then become my best friend.

See you real soon?


Michelle.

Growing up

Do you realize that you are already 20 years old this year? Do you even realise when you have stepped into another zone? The zone where filled with booms and you might get trap just after you step out.

Growing up, meaning that responsibility that placed on your shoulder become heavier. It does mean that you only need to responsible for your own meal, what time you shall go to bath, or what time you shall hang out with you friends. It is about your responsibility for your own future, even family. Now, it's time to really sit down and think about what can you do for your future so that you will not regret on that day when you look back or when you want to tell your little boy about your youth. It means that you shall now solve more life trouble by yourself, learning not to count on parents so much, although they're always there for you. But did you feel that it's enough for them to worry about us and enjoy what they suppose to have for now?

Eh, Michelle, I think it's time to find a part-time job to earn some pounds, a good intern to gain some valuable experiences for your own future, read a good book that can change your mind and go for a solo travel so that you can know what's deep inside yourself.  Right?

Good old day

How you define friend/best friend?

Little kids might tell you those who give them a sweet are their best friend. A primary school kid will claim those who stick together with them during the recess time as their best friend forever. A high school student might start to realize what true meaning of friendship is and start to develop the branches of the ship. They believe that whom who tell them all their secrets or spend most of their time with as their best friend. Yes, I will say a true friendship blossom at this moment, where you kind of know what the shape of the world is but you still in your own fairytale. This was the time when your friends know all your bad sides and still stay along side with you, this was the time when you spend most of your time having tuition classes and foods together with that gang of friends. Once you enter college, you start to realize how cruel this society meant to be and what was benefits all about. People start to approach you for different reasons, no longer only because they want to have a simple meal with you. You start to doubt what the word friend really meant about and started to miss the naive gang who you can contribute your laughter with.

I have a story to tell. I have this group of friends who stay aside with me from primary school to high school. Although there are some reasons that make us separate apart in between, we still manage to keep in touch until today. I am glad that I own this group of friends who I manage to sit down together and have a great dinner time with until now even though I have come back from Uk after a year and we didn't actually spend much time together. What I want to emphasis here was the invisible bond between us. We didn't stick together much after high school, we didn't reply to each other facebook picture this often. But I believe that we do stalk each other snapchat or Instagram a bit to update where are we know. I will not say that this is the perfect friendship that YOU guys shall look for, but I thank God for giving me this group of people in my life, who will come out to meet you if you call them, without a single reason but just to meet up.

Dear friends, we are now in the different field, different state, perhaps different country, persuading our own dream, but I hope that years after this, we still manage to come out and sit down in a roundtable, without anyone missing out, to tell our own story.

I never tell you guys how grateful I am to have you in my life, never even showcase a single photo of us in social media. Nevertheless, I am blessed, to have you guys as my friends, forever. Trust me, you guys are that group of people I will look back when I grow older. Those good old days will be the reason why we will still stick together after years, promise?

朋友，还是老的好

another count down begin

" For all the tourists, welcome to Malaysia. For all the Malaysians, welcome home." The pilot of Malaysia Airline announced during the touchdown.

After all the hectic missing flight and overnight in the London Heathrow Airport experiences, I am back to the place I grew up yesterday. It had been nine months. Having a WhatsApp's call to daddy telling him I had touched down. Hearing daddy's voice coming out from the phone, it was so different from the skype call because this time I knew that I will see him in an hour time. Mummy and brothers were standing at the departure hall waiting for my arrival. I was thinking how to react to them in the first second when I saw them. None of the scenes in my mind happen, but my heart was flooding with tears.

The weather was 13-degree celsius hotter than in the UK. The clouds in the sky were ten times more than those in the UK. Although the air was a little more polluted, it is still the place I love after months. Failing to collect my luggage, it forced myself to approach the Malay officer to ask about that. Time to use the long lost Malay and I realize that it was extremely hard to even come out with a proper Malay sentence. Anyway, I am still proud of the fact that I was able to speak Malay after a long time. I used to tell my UK friends how proud am I to be a Malaysian who know more than three languages and can use them all in a sentence. Sweating all the way in the car in the journey back home, despite the air conditioning was at the maximum level. Looking out through the window, the scenery changed a little. But the atmosphere in the car was still the same, as heart-warming as before.

The ending of the "back home" countdown meant that another countdown began without me noticing, which is " back to UK".

one day.

30th May 2016. One year before, we step out from the examination hall finish our last A-level paper, waiting for the realising of the result and head to the university that we longing for since the first day of college. One year after that, I am fully done with my year 1. Can't believe how fast time flies. It has been 9 months away from home, and 7 days to the day I can go home again. It is fast, I am packing my suitcase right now.

Just finish watching a Chinese movie, it was expectedly nice. Since when I start to stay up whole night watching Chinese movie? Recently. It has been a habit before sleeping. I don't know why, but the storyline tugs my heartstring every time when the movie end. [One Minute More], a Taiwan production starring Janine Chang and Peter Ho plus a golden retriever. Story buds with the adoption of a baby golden retriever and displaying the relationship between the main characters. The relationship between animal and human is delicate, too many people have adopted a pet and took it as part of the family member. There is an invisible string linking the pet and human, a string that will never break.  Experiencing a breakdown while watching the movie when the golden retriever is at it  edge of life and how it act towards the one who adopts it when someone abandon it at the pet shop.

Life was short. For a puppy, our one month is half a year for them. It reminds me of how much time which I still able to stay beside family and share all the important milestone with them. Too little time.

First stop, done

Thursday again, and it is final review for my last project in year one architecture. P4 live/work Belfast officially end.

I won't mention about how many sleepless nights I dedicated to this project, how many meals I have skipped just to get the things done, how stressful am I just to catch up with the time and the workload, because by far, I cope it well. Being thankful and blessed, I am enjoying what I have done so far and all of them are done in joy.

Every single word mentioned by tutor never get left behind my brain. From the first day I step into this school, I knew something amazing will happen, but I don't know that it would happen so fast. Year one, 9 months, from zero to what we have today, it was totally out of expectation. I thought that I won't have the ability to think out of the box, come out with some amazing shape and impressive building, but I think I am looking down at myself. With the consistent pushing by the tutor and all the incredible classmates' work, I think we all have grown up preparing ourselves to build something prestigious in this land. The journey was just at 1 mile out of 10 miles. There are definitely tonnes of obstacles in front of the road, but having faith in myself, it is possible to overcome all of the resistances and reach the victory at the end, making everyone who looks down at me to clap for me at the finishing line.

Nothing is impossible, what I have achieved today proved that. Done with my final review, with the confident I have in my own design, I owned a good feedback at the end.

Designing is not about having a perfect idea in one goal, but having several trials and learn in the process, and proudly said that "I did it".

Again, I am grateful, thanks to my parents who never fail to support me on my road to persuade my dream, which they knew that the road will be extremely hard for me. So far, I think I have yet proved to them that I am on the right path, right?

Year one, architecture, end.

sneak peek of my last project...

_szeyeeM

First stop.

Currently persuading year 1 architecture in Queen's University Belfast, still, one month to go . The course never happens to be what I have thought of a year ago. I remember how I prepare myself to learn tonnes of physics theories and mathematic calculations but it didn't happen to me. 

Work. The word that summarised this course. What I did throughout the year was just self-learning. From learning how to draw a plan bare hand  to how to use Sketchup. It is all about how much efforts you want to invest in yourself. Tutors will be there to back you up and call you to pull up your sock in the meantime but it is all depends on oneself. My ability to learn terrified me a lot nowadays. I never think that I can pick up Photoshop in one day and SketchUp just in a few hours and manage to use all the skill in my current project. I am a science stream student before this. Used to memorise all the scientific terms and formulas over the night, and now creativity struck in. I am not forced to memorise anything or do something I dislike besides the boring history class which I did learn a little bit from that. You can see a lot of picture in social medias regarding how architecture course torture somebody.  Like this one:

To be honest, I haven't see the power of the picture at this stage. I scared off some of the time. People said you're learning when you feel stress. I haven't really feel stress out in this course yet enjoying it much. Am I facing a problem in some way? I can still tell you that I manage to sleep 8 hours a day and cope will with my project when my friends are struggling to meet the submission deadline. Not bragging myself, but what I want to emphasise here is about time management. Having a good hold of it will let you enjoying what you are doing while having a balanced lifestyle. Do not complain how little time you are given but try your best to get things done in the time frame. Everybody is given 24 hours 7 days a week.  

Thursday tomorrow and it's presentation day! Never getting stressed up for the presentation but  always looking forward to it. I am not well prepared for any presentation but at least I have did my best and prepare myself to learn something from it. That's why presentation turns up fun? 

Here's some of my current project presentation photo to wrap up! 

_szeyeeM

Dot on Black

Did you ever experience a huge wave in your life? The wave which really hit you and make you sink under the ocean. Might not hit you to the seabed, but it is enough to let your heart hang in the air no matter how. Like a tremendous stone which is stressing you, till the time when you can't breathe.

We must admit that, if there's a white dot on a black background, one will first realize how the white dot look like, is it with a well-defined edge or a blur one. In one time, can anyone just stop looking at the white dot and realize how clear the black background is? Hypothetically. Same in life, no one will ever be perfect in this world, expect God, but why people tend to enlarge the dark side of a person but not cherish the good side of him/her. Giving a chance to other, one day you may need to have that only chance too. Again, no one is perfect. Even diamond is shining attractively because of it edges. How hard to forgive a person? It is not hard, ever. Remember when we are still a little kid, we forgive our friend because he/she said sorry to you or give you a hug. Why things change when we grow up. It shall not.

I always feel thankful and grateful for everything that happening in my life. Because all of that happen for a reason, for me to learn something. Even a bad one. Telling myself that God gives me every task for me to grow up, to be a better one, to have an experience of everything. But what happens to me last week takes my heart away. I barely do my work, my life is out of the routine. It teaches me a lot, I promise. I pray to God every night before sleep hope that he can hear my prayer. I am a human who hopes my life will be a nice game without any penalties, will be a clean black paper without any impurities on it. But it is impossible. With the impurities or debris only, it shows how crystal clear the water is, providing it is just a little bit of it.

I pray to God so that everything will turn good soon, sunny day will come and the rain will stop. Rainbow appears and the birds chirp.

_szeyeeM

If you have a chance to live twice

Studying oversea make me think a lot more than before. I start to think about future, think about life. Maybe you would say I am too young to think about who I will be in the future, how I will lead my life when I am old. Nevertheless, it is a good time to think about all these because at this stage of life, I started to put my feet into the community, start to know how the real "society" function, get to know how cruel reality can be, get to know how the relationships between human can be so complicated, get to know that I need to protect myself from being hurt by others...

It is a transition stage between books and words, fantasy and reality. Getting away from daddy and mummy make me realize that there's a lot of things in this world did not come for granted. It can sink into the deep blue ocean in a second. Holding it tight is my own responsibility, no one could help. I am blessed for what I have now, it might not be the best thing in the world, at least, I am filled. You might have lots of money to buy all the branded stuff, but don't have the time to enjoy them. You might have plates of sumptuous cuisines in front of you, but don't have the appetite to have all of them. Cherish what you have, little kid. I can tell you loudly that, I have family who loves me, have best friend to back me up, have things that I looking forward when I wake up every day; although I might not be as wealthy as you.

Always dreaming about myself dying nowadays, maybe I am too tired. Dream makes me think of what is truth. Starting to think of the day I leave the world, what can I pay back to this society? Can I be the second Zaha Hadid who contribute so much to the architecture field? Can I be like my parent who I was proud of? Anyway, I hope it worth for this trip to Earth.

_szeyeeM

Unit

Since the starting of winter, we have been called to reset our clock so that the time falls back an hour.

I born in a tropical country, a country which has summer throughout the year.

Before I bring my foot to UK, I learn summer, spring, autumn, winter in the english lesson, without knowing how they feel like and what's the different. Before I bring my body to UK, I thought that I can stand the changes of temperate by just wearing a jacket during winter and take it off during spring. Before I bring my eyes to UK, I thought the moon back home is smaller and dimmer than oversea's. Before I bring my soul to UK,  I don't know that night can replace day at the time of 4:00pm and sun only sneak out from the clouds at 8:30am. Before I bring my skin to UK, I never realise that how a 0 or -1  degree celsius atmosphere feels like because I too used to the 30 degree celsius burning weather back home.

Waking up, first thing to do is to pull the curtain and see if the sun rose, but not looking at the phone to check the time. I think this is the biggest different.

Getaway

On the way to Dublin, Ireland.

I'm studying in norther Ireland, which is part of the uk but not Ireland. Friends always get confused and I need to show them the world map. 

Just finish all the assignments submission, a portfolio, history essay and technology and material pamphlet. There's still a week more to the start of semester 2. Slacking in room is not a good idea, that's why go for a trip. 

Sitting on the bus towards Dublin, alone. The sceneries along the road are extremely nice. Big lawn, sunshine, and the sheeps on the greens... A long highway leading to the another country. I ask parent before I made my mind to go for a trip and told them how much I will spend. They always answer:

" Just explore. Because you have the chance to." 

I feel sad everytime they told me this because I owe them too much. Daddy, mummy, wait until the day I become a better girl, I will pay back. 

Here come the five days of Dublin trip! 

_szeyeeM 

Deep inside

Colour of nature.

Skype calling parents…

They are busy, not a boss of a company, but still, they are busy. I turn on skype almost every hour just to check whether they are online, just to share with them things that I go through here. I am urge to tell them what is happening around and what goes into my eyes. But time zone doesn't allow me to do so.

Sometime, I am glad for the invention of technology, because I feel no gap with them after months away from home. I can see them having dinner, doing outing with them, shopping for Chinese New Year groceries and clothes… Just without touching everything, isn't it nice? I feel no different.

When they send me foods that they are having, I am quite jealous of the simple life they are leading. Everyone has a big dream to go oversea study, saying that the sceneries out there are better than home. But when you decided to take a flight to somewhere thousand miles away, you start to realise that the mountain behind house is so nice, the sea breeze is no different from oversea, even more comfortable, the foods from the mamak stall are so delicious compare to the western food that we have to use fork and knife to eat, the uncle from the hawker centre is so friendly with the mixing of languages, the home is still the nicest shelter…

After years of exploring at the place half earth away from home, I think I will definitely hold my decision firmly to go back home and start my life there again. Because I miss how we order a roti canai at mamak stall. "Boss, roti canai satu!"

_szeyeeM

141 days count down

It had been months since I step into this beautiful country. Hasn't fall in love with it but at least I already used to the life here. Having a visit to London during the Christmas break was an amazing getaway. London, a place that most of the students will aim as a place where their alma matter located, maybe not you, but I am. Breathing London's aroma for eight days, walking for hours just to get a view of London eye, Tower bridge or even Trafalgar Square. How much I wish my parents and best friend are with me when I am taking every new steps on the land, tasting the nice foods in a grand restaurant, viewing a gigantic scenery that they only can see it through the photo I sent via whatsapp. That's why I cherish all the seconds that I am having here enjoying life. I feel grateful for all the supports that they have given me throughout the months, not orally, but I feel that all little actions are tugging my heartstrings.

Four months away from home, done with my semester 1 with a good hand in of portfolio,  I start to realise so many things in life which do not meant to be guaranteed. Life is not about guaranteed of something but taking a risk to explore. I start to think that where is my 'shelter' now. Going back home once in a year, is Belfast my real home now? Definitely no. When I am having a skype with my family, I saw corners of house, and I still can feel the temperature of the floor. The only thing that changes was my thoughts. Realising that there's no much time for me to spend in home for these three years of studying aboard or even of my entire life, I start to control my emotions and speaking nicely with my parents when I got a chance to see them in the screen. I knew, neither sending me aboard to continue my study or sending money to my bank account every months is part of their responsibility, but they did all that, just to let me have no regret for the rest of my life. I am especially blessed for all I get today. 

Best friend, there are no much time for use to meet up back home as well as now. Nevertheless the feeling is so different just because we are on a different land now. How much I hope you're here beside me when I am experiencing all the ups and downs. You say that England is the place that you wish to visit the most, I hope that one day I have a chance to bring you strolling around  this wonderful place. I can't wait to go back and meet you, seriously. 

A piece of art with perfect edges was beautiful, but with the sophisticated uneven lines across it was phenomenal. Did not hoping much for life now because I am enjoying the luxury of life.
Oh ya, happy new year people!

Blessed, 

_szeyeeM

one month and 20 days

Month before this, I left home, with adventurous mood, thinking that I won't miss home this much.

Walking on the way to university with earphone plug in, the music seem to bring up all my emotion, every words are describing my exact feeling now. Before coming here, I always imagine myself sitting at the study table oversea somewhere in UK, looking out the breathtaking scenery and doing my art works. Nothing seem to be as good as hometown now. Although I living in my dream, the characters are not the same anymore. 

The weather out there will not shot to 20 degree, strong wind that will nearly blow people away hit on me, rain drop on my coat horizontally, lip start to crack,wearing a heat tech and extra clothes, mucus flowing uncontrollably, coughing unstoppable, eating the same food over and over again because those are the only menu that I know and hands need to be defrosted everyday when I step in my room. Nostalgia, I missed the little thing back home. Everything that were super normal to do in home is so unusual here. Craving for the food I will never think of eating back then. Kept on telling myself that, hold on, you will have all of them next summer, which is 8 months later. 

8am is 12am, 12pm is 8pm. One month past, Skype with parents almost everyday from the start and later on twice a week.  There's so many things I couldn't make them in word and express to family via the screen but I knew they can feel it. Tears rolling in my eyes but I force to hold it. Remember one day when no longer can hold it and it flows down across my cheeks. I don't know how my parent can see that even through the computer screen. " Been wronged?" I can't pronounce my feeling in words, hanging off the call is the only thing I did on that time. Nothing, I just miss home and family too much.

Now, I am living in my dream, doing what I like daily. Drawing pencils, artline pens, colour, measuring tape... have become major part of my life now. From the anxiousness in the first presentation until now I can stand up and present my works without hesitation and nervousness. I knew I am on the right track. Trying hard to maintain myself on the top, because I want to prove that what I choose is right and I will shine on it. Receiving good words from peers and lecturers again proving my ability. I am not arrogant, I am worried that I do good in the first step and then ruin the step after. Uttering to myself that I am not good enough so that I can keep on the performance. 

To those who also fighting alone half earth over home, kept on the action, because there're so many people back home waiting you to go back with victory. They have consistently giving the supports and what we need to do is live this life nicely as a return. Good luck peers!  

_szeyeeM

Begun

Standing on the starting point waiting for the judge to commence the start, I can't do anything but wait and pray. I hope I can do a perfect sprint or an excellent 1200 m run. In return, I made my parent proud.

Drawing on a piece of A5 paper, waiting for the moment of the last painting part and have a look with what I want to convey through the art. I hope my voice can transfer well via my art piece, wishing that people will understand and appreciate.

Sitting in the exam unit, I start my first scribble and writing. I utter a silent prayer every time before the exam, hoping that God can read my mind and made my hard work returned. Until now, I am grateful to what I have achieve because this is His meant. I am blessed for every single achievement in my life, and the countless supports from my family and friends.

Soon, I will be heading to the international airport, begin my very first "trip" to oversea without my parent for three years. Despite calling it a study trip, I hope it's a memorable life lesson. Maybe I might be missing home and family for the first few months, I guess I can deal with it well. Because I start to love the life just by the university application phase. To my friends who I never mention when I am going to leave, I give my apologise. I didn't hope that airport flood with tears during the day but I will keep all yours laughters in my mind when the moment I miss you guys. To my family who worry about me so much, after three years of degree, I will prove that I have grow up. You maybe worry for the first few days, but please just stop there. I will be extremely good.

"Tell me when you can't continue. You can come back anytime, we won't blame on you."

This tug my heartstrings. I knew that my parents are super worry about their baby girl who going to leave in a few days time. I knew that they don't want me to leave so soon. Everything strikes in a sudden, they are not mentally prepared. But even a cub will leave their parents when growing up, why not us human? The difference between these two was that human has a sense of missing but animals do not have. Maybe they have but we don't know. This time, I am sailing on a ship that may be travelling to a place far away from home, half an earth maybe? But I will come back one day, at the moment, I am an architect.

Three days to the day I will leave this lovely country. You may be missed, till the day I come back.

_szeyeeM