Dot on Black

Did you ever experience a huge wave in your life? The wave which really hit you and make you sink under the ocean. Might not hit you to the seabed, but it is enough to let your heart hang in the air no matter how. Like a tremendous stone which is stressing you, till the time when you can't breathe.

We must admit that, if there's a white dot on a black background, one will first realize how the white dot look like, is it with a well-defined edge or a blur one. In one time, can anyone just stop looking at the white dot and realize how clear the black background is? Hypothetically. Same in life, no one will ever be perfect in this world, expect God, but why people tend to enlarge the dark side of a person but not cherish the good side of him/her. Giving a chance to other, one day you may need to have that only chance too. Again, no one is perfect. Even diamond is shining attractively because of it edges. How hard to forgive a person? It is not hard, ever. Remember when we are still a little kid, we forgive our friend because he/she said sorry to you or give you a hug. Why things change when we grow up. It shall not.

I always feel thankful and grateful for everything that happening in my life. Because all of that happen for a reason, for me to learn something. Even a bad one. Telling myself that God gives me every task for me to grow up, to be a better one, to have an experience of everything. But what happens to me last week takes my heart away. I barely do my work, my life is out of the routine. It teaches me a lot, I promise. I pray to God every night before sleep hope that he can hear my prayer. I am a human who hopes my life will be a nice game without any penalties, will be a clean black paper without any impurities on it. But it is impossible. With the impurities or debris only, it shows how crystal clear the water is, providing it is just a little bit of it.

I pray to God so that everything will turn good soon, sunny day will come and the rain will stop. Rainbow appears and the birds chirp.

_szeyeeM

If you have a chance to live twice

Studying oversea make me think a lot more than before. I start to think about future, think about life. Maybe you would say I am too young to think about who I will be in the future, how I will lead my life when I am old. Nevertheless, it is a good time to think about all these because at this stage of life, I started to put my feet into the community, start to know how the real "society" function, get to know how cruel reality can be, get to know how the relationships between human can be so complicated, get to know that I need to protect myself from being hurt by others...

It is a transition stage between books and words, fantasy and reality. Getting away from daddy and mummy make me realize that there's a lot of things in this world did not come for granted. It can sink into the deep blue ocean in a second. Holding it tight is my own responsibility, no one could help. I am blessed for what I have now, it might not be the best thing in the world, at least, I am filled. You might have lots of money to buy all the branded stuff, but don't have the time to enjoy them. You might have plates of sumptuous cuisines in front of you, but don't have the appetite to have all of them. Cherish what you have, little kid. I can tell you loudly that, I have family who loves me, have best friend to back me up, have things that I looking forward when I wake up every day; although I might not be as wealthy as you.

Always dreaming about myself dying nowadays, maybe I am too tired. Dream makes me think of what is truth. Starting to think of the day I leave the world, what can I pay back to this society? Can I be the second Zaha Hadid who contribute so much to the architecture field? Can I be like my parent who I was proud of? Anyway, I hope it worth for this trip to Earth.

_szeyeeM

Unit

Since the starting of winter, we have been called to reset our clock so that the time falls back an hour.

I born in a tropical country, a country which has summer throughout the year.

Before I bring my foot to UK, I learn summer, spring, autumn, winter in the english lesson, without knowing how they feel like and what's the different. Before I bring my body to UK, I thought that I can stand the changes of temperate by just wearing a jacket during winter and take it off during spring. Before I bring my eyes to UK, I thought the moon back home is smaller and dimmer than oversea's. Before I bring my soul to UK,  I don't know that night can replace day at the time of 4:00pm and sun only sneak out from the clouds at 8:30am. Before I bring my skin to UK, I never realise that how a 0 or -1  degree celsius atmosphere feels like because I too used to the 30 degree celsius burning weather back home.

Waking up, first thing to do is to pull the curtain and see if the sun rose, but not looking at the phone to check the time. I think this is the biggest different.

Getaway

On the way to Dublin, Ireland.

I'm studying in norther Ireland, which is part of the uk but not Ireland. Friends always get confused and I need to show them the world map. 

Just finish all the assignments submission, a portfolio, history essay and technology and material pamphlet. There's still a week more to the start of semester 2. Slacking in room is not a good idea, that's why go for a trip. 

Sitting on the bus towards Dublin, alone. The sceneries along the road are extremely nice. Big lawn, sunshine, and the sheeps on the greens... A long highway leading to the another country. I ask parent before I made my mind to go for a trip and told them how much I will spend. They always answer:

" Just explore. Because you have the chance to." 

I feel sad everytime they told me this because I owe them too much. Daddy, mummy, wait until the day I become a better girl, I will pay back. 

Here come the five days of Dublin trip! 

_szeyeeM 

Deep inside

Colour of nature.

Skype calling parents…

They are busy, not a boss of a company, but still, they are busy. I turn on skype almost every hour just to check whether they are online, just to share with them things that I go through here. I am urge to tell them what is happening around and what goes into my eyes. But time zone doesn't allow me to do so.

Sometime, I am glad for the invention of technology, because I feel no gap with them after months away from home. I can see them having dinner, doing outing with them, shopping for Chinese New Year groceries and clothes… Just without touching everything, isn't it nice? I feel no different.

When they send me foods that they are having, I am quite jealous of the simple life they are leading. Everyone has a big dream to go oversea study, saying that the sceneries out there are better than home. But when you decided to take a flight to somewhere thousand miles away, you start to realise that the mountain behind house is so nice, the sea breeze is no different from oversea, even more comfortable, the foods from the mamak stall are so delicious compare to the western food that we have to use fork and knife to eat, the uncle from the hawker centre is so friendly with the mixing of languages, the home is still the nicest shelter…

After years of exploring at the place half earth away from home, I think I will definitely hold my decision firmly to go back home and start my life there again. Because I miss how we order a roti canai at mamak stall. "Boss, roti canai satu!"

_szeyeeM

141 days count down

It had been months since I step into this beautiful country. Hasn't fall in love with it but at least I already used to the life here. Having a visit to London during the Christmas break was an amazing getaway. London, a place that most of the students will aim as a place where their alma matter located, maybe not you, but I am. Breathing London's aroma for eight days, walking for hours just to get a view of London eye, Tower bridge or even Trafalgar Square. How much I wish my parents and best friend are with me when I am taking every new steps on the land, tasting the nice foods in a grand restaurant, viewing a gigantic scenery that they only can see it through the photo I sent via whatsapp. That's why I cherish all the seconds that I am having here enjoying life. I feel grateful for all the supports that they have given me throughout the months, not orally, but I feel that all little actions are tugging my heartstrings.

Four months away from home, done with my semester 1 with a good hand in of portfolio,  I start to realise so many things in life which do not meant to be guaranteed. Life is not about guaranteed of something but taking a risk to explore. I start to think that where is my 'shelter' now. Going back home once in a year, is Belfast my real home now? Definitely no. When I am having a skype with my family, I saw corners of house, and I still can feel the temperature of the floor. The only thing that changes was my thoughts. Realising that there's no much time for me to spend in home for these three years of studying aboard or even of my entire life, I start to control my emotions and speaking nicely with my parents when I got a chance to see them in the screen. I knew, neither sending me aboard to continue my study or sending money to my bank account every months is part of their responsibility, but they did all that, just to let me have no regret for the rest of my life. I am especially blessed for all I get today. 

Best friend, there are no much time for use to meet up back home as well as now. Nevertheless the feeling is so different just because we are on a different land now. How much I hope you're here beside me when I am experiencing all the ups and downs. You say that England is the place that you wish to visit the most, I hope that one day I have a chance to bring you strolling around  this wonderful place. I can't wait to go back and meet you, seriously. 

A piece of art with perfect edges was beautiful, but with the sophisticated uneven lines across it was phenomenal. Did not hoping much for life now because I am enjoying the luxury of life.
Oh ya, happy new year people!

Blessed, 

_szeyeeM

one month and 20 days

Month before this, I left home, with adventurous mood, thinking that I won't miss home this much.

Walking on the way to university with earphone plug in, the music seem to bring up all my emotion, every words are describing my exact feeling now. Before coming here, I always imagine myself sitting at the study table oversea somewhere in UK, looking out the breathtaking scenery and doing my art works. Nothing seem to be as good as hometown now. Although I living in my dream, the characters are not the same anymore. 

The weather out there will not shot to 20 degree, strong wind that will nearly blow people away hit on me, rain drop on my coat horizontally, lip start to crack,wearing a heat tech and extra clothes, mucus flowing uncontrollably, coughing unstoppable, eating the same food over and over again because those are the only menu that I know and hands need to be defrosted everyday when I step in my room. Nostalgia, I missed the little thing back home. Everything that were super normal to do in home is so unusual here. Craving for the food I will never think of eating back then. Kept on telling myself that, hold on, you will have all of them next summer, which is 8 months later. 

8am is 12am, 12pm is 8pm. One month past, Skype with parents almost everyday from the start and later on twice a week.  There's so many things I couldn't make them in word and express to family via the screen but I knew they can feel it. Tears rolling in my eyes but I force to hold it. Remember one day when no longer can hold it and it flows down across my cheeks. I don't know how my parent can see that even through the computer screen. " Been wronged?" I can't pronounce my feeling in words, hanging off the call is the only thing I did on that time. Nothing, I just miss home and family too much.

Now, I am living in my dream, doing what I like daily. Drawing pencils, artline pens, colour, measuring tape... have become major part of my life now. From the anxiousness in the first presentation until now I can stand up and present my works without hesitation and nervousness. I knew I am on the right track. Trying hard to maintain myself on the top, because I want to prove that what I choose is right and I will shine on it. Receiving good words from peers and lecturers again proving my ability. I am not arrogant, I am worried that I do good in the first step and then ruin the step after. Uttering to myself that I am not good enough so that I can keep on the performance. 

To those who also fighting alone half earth over home, kept on the action, because there're so many people back home waiting you to go back with victory. They have consistently giving the supports and what we need to do is live this life nicely as a return. Good luck peers!  

_szeyeeM