Growing up

Do you realize that you are already 20 years old this year? Do you even realise when you have stepped into another zone? The zone where filled with booms and you might get trap just after you step out.

Growing up, meaning that responsibility that placed on your shoulder become heavier. It does mean that you only need to responsible for your own meal, what time you shall go to bath, or what time you shall hang out with you friends. It is about your responsibility for your own future, even family. Now, it's time to really sit down and think about what can you do for your future so that you will not regret on that day when you look back or when you want to tell your little boy about your youth. It means that you shall now solve more life trouble by yourself, learning not to count on parents so much, although they're always there for you. But did you feel that it's enough for them to worry about us and enjoy what they suppose to have for now?

Eh, Michelle, I think it's time to find a part-time job to earn some pounds, a good intern to gain some valuable experiences for your own future, read a good book that can change your mind and go for a solo travel so that you can know what's deep inside yourself.  Right?

Good old day

How you define friend/best friend?

Little kids might tell you those who give them a sweet are their best friend. A primary school kid will claim those who stick together with them during the recess time as their best friend forever. A high school student might start to realize what true meaning of friendship is and start to develop the branches of the ship. They believe that whom who tell them all their secrets or spend most of their time with as their best friend. Yes, I will say a true friendship blossom at this moment, where you kind of know what the shape of the world is but you still in your own fairytale. This was the time when your friends know all your bad sides and still stay along side with you, this was the time when you spend most of your time having tuition classes and foods together with that gang of friends. Once you enter college, you start to realize how cruel this society meant to be and what was benefits all about. People start to approach you for different reasons, no longer only because they want to have a simple meal with you. You start to doubt what the word friend really meant about and started to miss the naive gang who you can contribute your laughter with.

I have a story to tell. I have this group of friends who stay aside with me from primary school to high school. Although there are some reasons that make us separate apart in between, we still manage to keep in touch until today. I am glad that I own this group of friends who I manage to sit down together and have a great dinner time with until now even though I have come back from Uk after a year and we didn't actually spend much time together. What I want to emphasis here was the invisible bond between us. We didn't stick together much after high school, we didn't reply to each other facebook picture this often. But I believe that we do stalk each other snapchat or Instagram a bit to update where are we know. I will not say that this is the perfect friendship that YOU guys shall look for, but I thank God for giving me this group of people in my life, who will come out to meet you if you call them, without a single reason but just to meet up.

Dear friends, we are now in the different field, different state, perhaps different country, persuading our own dream, but I hope that years after this, we still manage to come out and sit down in a roundtable, without anyone missing out, to tell our own story.

I never tell you guys how grateful I am to have you in my life, never even showcase a single photo of us in social media. Nevertheless, I am blessed, to have you guys as my friends, forever. Trust me, you guys are that group of people I will look back when I grow older. Those good old days will be the reason why we will still stick together after years, promise?

朋友，还是老的好

another count down begin

" For all the tourists, welcome to Malaysia. For all the Malaysians, welcome home." The pilot of Malaysia Airline announced during the touchdown.

After all the hectic missing flight and overnight in the London Heathrow Airport experiences, I am back to the place I grew up yesterday. It had been nine months. Having a WhatsApp's call to daddy telling him I had touched down. Hearing daddy's voice coming out from the phone, it was so different from the skype call because this time I knew that I will see him in an hour time. Mummy and brothers were standing at the departure hall waiting for my arrival. I was thinking how to react to them in the first second when I saw them. None of the scenes in my mind happen, but my heart was flooding with tears.

The weather was 13-degree celsius hotter than in the UK. The clouds in the sky were ten times more than those in the UK. Although the air was a little more polluted, it is still the place I love after months. Failing to collect my luggage, it forced myself to approach the Malay officer to ask about that. Time to use the long lost Malay and I realize that it was extremely hard to even come out with a proper Malay sentence. Anyway, I am still proud of the fact that I was able to speak Malay after a long time. I used to tell my UK friends how proud am I to be a Malaysian who know more than three languages and can use them all in a sentence. Sweating all the way in the car in the journey back home, despite the air conditioning was at the maximum level. Looking out through the window, the scenery changed a little. But the atmosphere in the car was still the same, as heart-warming as before.

The ending of the "back home" countdown meant that another countdown began without me noticing, which is " back to UK".

one day.

30th May 2016. One year before, we step out from the examination hall finish our last A-level paper, waiting for the realising of the result and head to the university that we longing for since the first day of college. One year after that, I am fully done with my year 1. Can't believe how fast time flies. It has been 9 months away from home, and 7 days to the day I can go home again. It is fast, I am packing my suitcase right now.

Just finish watching a Chinese movie, it was expectedly nice. Since when I start to stay up whole night watching Chinese movie? Recently. It has been a habit before sleeping. I don't know why, but the storyline tugs my heartstring every time when the movie end. [One Minute More], a Taiwan production starring Janine Chang and Peter Ho plus a golden retriever. Story buds with the adoption of a baby golden retriever and displaying the relationship between the main characters. The relationship between animal and human is delicate, too many people have adopted a pet and took it as part of the family member. There is an invisible string linking the pet and human, a string that will never break.  Experiencing a breakdown while watching the movie when the golden retriever is at it  edge of life and how it act towards the one who adopts it when someone abandon it at the pet shop.

Life was short. For a puppy, our one month is half a year for them. It reminds me of how much time which I still able to stay beside family and share all the important milestone with them. Too little time.

First stop, done

Thursday again, and it is final review for my last project in year one architecture. P4 live/work Belfast officially end.

I won't mention about how many sleepless nights I dedicated to this project, how many meals I have skipped just to get the things done, how stressful am I just to catch up with the time and the workload, because by far, I cope it well. Being thankful and blessed, I am enjoying what I have done so far and all of them are done in joy.

Every single word mentioned by tutor never get left behind my brain. From the first day I step into this school, I knew something amazing will happen, but I don't know that it would happen so fast. Year one, 9 months, from zero to what we have today, it was totally out of expectation. I thought that I won't have the ability to think out of the box, come out with some amazing shape and impressive building, but I think I am looking down at myself. With the consistent pushing by the tutor and all the incredible classmates' work, I think we all have grown up preparing ourselves to build something prestigious in this land. The journey was just at 1 mile out of 10 miles. There are definitely tonnes of obstacles in front of the road, but having faith in myself, it is possible to overcome all of the resistances and reach the victory at the end, making everyone who looks down at me to clap for me at the finishing line.

Nothing is impossible, what I have achieved today proved that. Done with my final review, with the confident I have in my own design, I owned a good feedback at the end.

Designing is not about having a perfect idea in one goal, but having several trials and learn in the process, and proudly said that "I did it".

Again, I am grateful, thanks to my parents who never fail to support me on my road to persuade my dream, which they knew that the road will be extremely hard for me. So far, I think I have yet proved to them that I am on the right path, right?

Year one, architecture, end.

sneak peek of my last project...

_szeyeeM

First stop.

Currently persuading year 1 architecture in Queen's University Belfast, still, one month to go . The course never happens to be what I have thought of a year ago. I remember how I prepare myself to learn tonnes of physics theories and mathematic calculations but it didn't happen to me. 

Work. The word that summarised this course. What I did throughout the year was just self-learning. From learning how to draw a plan bare hand  to how to use Sketchup. It is all about how much efforts you want to invest in yourself. Tutors will be there to back you up and call you to pull up your sock in the meantime but it is all depends on oneself. My ability to learn terrified me a lot nowadays. I never think that I can pick up Photoshop in one day and SketchUp just in a few hours and manage to use all the skill in my current project. I am a science stream student before this. Used to memorise all the scientific terms and formulas over the night, and now creativity struck in. I am not forced to memorise anything or do something I dislike besides the boring history class which I did learn a little bit from that. You can see a lot of picture in social medias regarding how architecture course torture somebody.  Like this one:

To be honest, I haven't see the power of the picture at this stage. I scared off some of the time. People said you're learning when you feel stress. I haven't really feel stress out in this course yet enjoying it much. Am I facing a problem in some way? I can still tell you that I manage to sleep 8 hours a day and cope will with my project when my friends are struggling to meet the submission deadline. Not bragging myself, but what I want to emphasise here is about time management. Having a good hold of it will let you enjoying what you are doing while having a balanced lifestyle. Do not complain how little time you are given but try your best to get things done in the time frame. Everybody is given 24 hours 7 days a week.  

Thursday tomorrow and it's presentation day! Never getting stressed up for the presentation but  always looking forward to it. I am not well prepared for any presentation but at least I have did my best and prepare myself to learn something from it. That's why presentation turns up fun? 

Here's some of my current project presentation photo to wrap up! 

_szeyeeM

Dot on Black

Did you ever experience a huge wave in your life? The wave which really hit you and make you sink under the ocean. Might not hit you to the seabed, but it is enough to let your heart hang in the air no matter how. Like a tremendous stone which is stressing you, till the time when you can't breathe.

We must admit that, if there's a white dot on a black background, one will first realize how the white dot look like, is it with a well-defined edge or a blur one. In one time, can anyone just stop looking at the white dot and realize how clear the black background is? Hypothetically. Same in life, no one will ever be perfect in this world, expect God, but why people tend to enlarge the dark side of a person but not cherish the good side of him/her. Giving a chance to other, one day you may need to have that only chance too. Again, no one is perfect. Even diamond is shining attractively because of it edges. How hard to forgive a person? It is not hard, ever. Remember when we are still a little kid, we forgive our friend because he/she said sorry to you or give you a hug. Why things change when we grow up. It shall not.

I always feel thankful and grateful for everything that happening in my life. Because all of that happen for a reason, for me to learn something. Even a bad one. Telling myself that God gives me every task for me to grow up, to be a better one, to have an experience of everything. But what happens to me last week takes my heart away. I barely do my work, my life is out of the routine. It teaches me a lot, I promise. I pray to God every night before sleep hope that he can hear my prayer. I am a human who hopes my life will be a nice game without any penalties, will be a clean black paper without any impurities on it. But it is impossible. With the impurities or debris only, it shows how crystal clear the water is, providing it is just a little bit of it.

I pray to God so that everything will turn good soon, sunny day will come and the rain will stop. Rainbow appears and the birds chirp.

_szeyeeM

If you have a chance to live twice

Studying oversea make me think a lot more than before. I start to think about future, think about life. Maybe you would say I am too young to think about who I will be in the future, how I will lead my life when I am old. Nevertheless, it is a good time to think about all these because at this stage of life, I started to put my feet into the community, start to know how the real "society" function, get to know how cruel reality can be, get to know how the relationships between human can be so complicated, get to know that I need to protect myself from being hurt by others...

It is a transition stage between books and words, fantasy and reality. Getting away from daddy and mummy make me realize that there's a lot of things in this world did not come for granted. It can sink into the deep blue ocean in a second. Holding it tight is my own responsibility, no one could help. I am blessed for what I have now, it might not be the best thing in the world, at least, I am filled. You might have lots of money to buy all the branded stuff, but don't have the time to enjoy them. You might have plates of sumptuous cuisines in front of you, but don't have the appetite to have all of them. Cherish what you have, little kid. I can tell you loudly that, I have family who loves me, have best friend to back me up, have things that I looking forward when I wake up every day; although I might not be as wealthy as you.

Always dreaming about myself dying nowadays, maybe I am too tired. Dream makes me think of what is truth. Starting to think of the day I leave the world, what can I pay back to this society? Can I be the second Zaha Hadid who contribute so much to the architecture field? Can I be like my parent who I was proud of? Anyway, I hope it worth for this trip to Earth.

_szeyeeM

Unit

Since the starting of winter, we have been called to reset our clock so that the time falls back an hour.

I born in a tropical country, a country which has summer throughout the year.

Before I bring my foot to UK, I learn summer, spring, autumn, winter in the english lesson, without knowing how they feel like and what's the different. Before I bring my body to UK, I thought that I can stand the changes of temperate by just wearing a jacket during winter and take it off during spring. Before I bring my eyes to UK, I thought the moon back home is smaller and dimmer than oversea's. Before I bring my soul to UK,  I don't know that night can replace day at the time of 4:00pm and sun only sneak out from the clouds at 8:30am. Before I bring my skin to UK, I never realise that how a 0 or -1  degree celsius atmosphere feels like because I too used to the 30 degree celsius burning weather back home.

Waking up, first thing to do is to pull the curtain and see if the sun rose, but not looking at the phone to check the time. I think this is the biggest different.

Getaway

On the way to Dublin, Ireland.

I'm studying in norther Ireland, which is part of the uk but not Ireland. Friends always get confused and I need to show them the world map. 

Just finish all the assignments submission, a portfolio, history essay and technology and material pamphlet. There's still a week more to the start of semester 2. Slacking in room is not a good idea, that's why go for a trip. 

Sitting on the bus towards Dublin, alone. The sceneries along the road are extremely nice. Big lawn, sunshine, and the sheeps on the greens... A long highway leading to the another country. I ask parent before I made my mind to go for a trip and told them how much I will spend. They always answer:

" Just explore. Because you have the chance to." 

I feel sad everytime they told me this because I owe them too much. Daddy, mummy, wait until the day I become a better girl, I will pay back. 

Here come the five days of Dublin trip! 

_szeyeeM 

Deep inside

Colour of nature.

Skype calling parents…

They are busy, not a boss of a company, but still, they are busy. I turn on skype almost every hour just to check whether they are online, just to share with them things that I go through here. I am urge to tell them what is happening around and what goes into my eyes. But time zone doesn't allow me to do so.

Sometime, I am glad for the invention of technology, because I feel no gap with them after months away from home. I can see them having dinner, doing outing with them, shopping for Chinese New Year groceries and clothes… Just without touching everything, isn't it nice? I feel no different.

When they send me foods that they are having, I am quite jealous of the simple life they are leading. Everyone has a big dream to go oversea study, saying that the sceneries out there are better than home. But when you decided to take a flight to somewhere thousand miles away, you start to realise that the mountain behind house is so nice, the sea breeze is no different from oversea, even more comfortable, the foods from the mamak stall are so delicious compare to the western food that we have to use fork and knife to eat, the uncle from the hawker centre is so friendly with the mixing of languages, the home is still the nicest shelter…

After years of exploring at the place half earth away from home, I think I will definitely hold my decision firmly to go back home and start my life there again. Because I miss how we order a roti canai at mamak stall. "Boss, roti canai satu!"

_szeyeeM

141 days count down

It had been months since I step into this beautiful country. Hasn't fall in love with it but at least I already used to the life here. Having a visit to London during the Christmas break was an amazing getaway. London, a place that most of the students will aim as a place where their alma matter located, maybe not you, but I am. Breathing London's aroma for eight days, walking for hours just to get a view of London eye, Tower bridge or even Trafalgar Square. How much I wish my parents and best friend are with me when I am taking every new steps on the land, tasting the nice foods in a grand restaurant, viewing a gigantic scenery that they only can see it through the photo I sent via whatsapp. That's why I cherish all the seconds that I am having here enjoying life. I feel grateful for all the supports that they have given me throughout the months, not orally, but I feel that all little actions are tugging my heartstrings.

Four months away from home, done with my semester 1 with a good hand in of portfolio,  I start to realise so many things in life which do not meant to be guaranteed. Life is not about guaranteed of something but taking a risk to explore. I start to think that where is my 'shelter' now. Going back home once in a year, is Belfast my real home now? Definitely no. When I am having a skype with my family, I saw corners of house, and I still can feel the temperature of the floor. The only thing that changes was my thoughts. Realising that there's no much time for me to spend in home for these three years of studying aboard or even of my entire life, I start to control my emotions and speaking nicely with my parents when I got a chance to see them in the screen. I knew, neither sending me aboard to continue my study or sending money to my bank account every months is part of their responsibility, but they did all that, just to let me have no regret for the rest of my life. I am especially blessed for all I get today. 

Best friend, there are no much time for use to meet up back home as well as now. Nevertheless the feeling is so different just because we are on a different land now. How much I hope you're here beside me when I am experiencing all the ups and downs. You say that England is the place that you wish to visit the most, I hope that one day I have a chance to bring you strolling around  this wonderful place. I can't wait to go back and meet you, seriously. 

A piece of art with perfect edges was beautiful, but with the sophisticated uneven lines across it was phenomenal. Did not hoping much for life now because I am enjoying the luxury of life.
Oh ya, happy new year people!

Blessed, 

_szeyeeM